Tag Archives: all bear magazine

Historian Gay - vintage image of 2 gay men from the world war II era

Recapturing The ‘Hawtness’ (The HEAT!)

     As you may know, I write an exclusive column, “The Chocolate Romantic,”  for ALL BEAR magazine–the popular Gay on line and print publication originating from the United Kingdom (U.K.).  Visit:  www.all-bear.co.uk/ I’ve dubbed ALL BEAR “The Playboy of the U.K!” 

     I decided to sift through my many The Chocolate Romantic columns to find one appropriate for two good buddies of mine—Craig and Kain–who found that their relationship was becoming a bit “stale and staid.”  

     Uh, oh!  That’s a (freakin’) NO-NO.  

     So, I slipped each of them one of those columns entitled, “Recapturing The ‘Hawtness’ (The HEAT!)”  And, yo:  aren’t Y’all lucky, ‘cause I’m also sharing it with you!  

     So, let’s jump in…and marinate.  (LOL!)  Here goes…   

     You think like each other, you finish each other’s sentences, you feel awesomely connected to one another.  

     Though lately, you and your partner’s (or maybe you and your regular sex buddy’s) routine seems “booor-inggggg” (boring).  Dang!  So, how do you recapture the passion?  

     Well, have no fear:  your relationship expert—namely me, The Chocolate Romantic, is on the case!  I’ll tell ya how to do just that.  First though, let’s find out why a couple’s passion fades.  

     You see, when you first fall for a guy, your brain is flooded with arousal hormones—specifically dopamine and norepinephrine.    

     Then you slide into the “couple comfort zone,” where your lives are in sync.   

     However, as couples settle down, those feel-good chems dissipate.  “If you stayed in that state of infatuation, (the feelings would) lead to distractibility, sleep deprivation and lack of drive in other important areas of your life,” states Scott Haltzman, M.D., author and Brown University psychiatrist.  “So, the body corrects itself and focuses on things like survival.”  

     In other words, cooling passion is nature’s way of making sure that you go to work, pay your bills…and eat.  

     Admittedly, that’s all well and good.  But, who wouldn’t want to get back some of that new-relationship “hawtness” (heat)? 

     But guess what?  The Chocolate Romantic presents five sure-fire ways to reclaim that fire.   

1.     Scale the highest mountain, grab hands, share a sloppy and tongue-filled smooch, and then freakin’ JUMP!  (And right before you leap, promise you’ll bang the hell outta each other after you land.)  Well, maybe you shouldn’t do something this extreme; however, the point I’m making is to do something exciting and new.  According to author Terri Orbuch, PhD (aka “The Love Doctor”), “You’re constantly learning about your partner and doing new things together.  Novelty fuels passion.”  Even if you’ve been a couple for many years, simply doing something fresh together can once again reignite those early-relationship sparks…and in a big way!  The couples that are happiest together are those that do exciting new stuff. 

2.     Create a “relationship ritual”—and set it in stone.  This is a non-negotiable commitment to get together, and without fail.  This is sacred couple time that shouldn’t get preempted by working late, extended family matters—or an unresolved spat.  This “ritual” will help keep you connected to one another.   

3.     Talk that talk!  Once you’ve coupled up, conversation usually revolves around work, family, pets, etc.—very stimulating, huh? Reignite your passion by talking about goals, dreams and desires—the way you both did in the beginning.  “Talking is one of the all-time great stimulants of desire.  It really is an aphrodisiac,” according to author and therapist Sharon Gilchrest O’Neill.  And, I highly recommend doin’ that “nastee” (dirty, provocative) talk—and I know you know what I’m talkin’ about—to light your fuses and rev up your motors! 

4.     Send flirty texts, leave scandalous voice mails.   It could be as simple as sending your man flirty texts or leaving scandalous voice mails throughout the day.  You see, the point is to surprise one another each and every day.  Be creative…be nastee! 

5.     Do a quickie!  When work and other obligations take over your life, there’s not much time for lovemaking.  Spontaneous sex reminds couples that they’re more than roommates.   Yo—it’s not as good as the full treatment, but it’ll hold ya over.    

     So there you have it!  Now, get to work and recapture The Hawtness! (Craig and Kain did—and it’s W-O-R-K-I-N-G!) 

     To Note:  the striking image accompanying this article is courtesy of Houston historian and playwright Trent Kelly’s collection of rare vintage photographs of black male couples from the past 150 years entitled “Hidden in the Open: A Photographic Essay of Afro American Male Couples.”

Happy Holidays

Give the Holiday Blues a Swift Kick in the Arse (Ass, Butt…or Whatever)!

     Got the “Holiday Blues?”  Well, Let Dr. Evans help Y’all out! 

    The following is courtesy of the brand new 2014 Christmas Edition of ALL BEAR Magazine, on sale now!  Visit:  www.all-bear.co.uk/ 

     Oh,“Gawd!”  You’re a Gay/SGL (Same Gender Loving) guy dreading that time of year—the holidays. 

      Why might you be in a major funk?  Well, maybe you feel you can’t be your authentic self around family:  you’re still closeted.  Or, you might be alone, feeling isolated.  All of this can throw you into a nasty tailspin.  And where do you crash land?  Into one “helluva” depression!

     Research bears out that the rates of depression and stress definitely increase during the holidays.  To counteract that, here are ten tools to help you vanquish those holiday blues–courtesy of Dr. Barton Goldsmith, a multi-award winning psychotherapist:

  • Keep your expectations balanced. “You won’t get everything you want, things will go wrong, and you won’t fell like Bing Crosby singing ‘White Christmas’.  Remember that everything doesn’t have to be perfect and don’t worry about things that are out of your control.”
  • Don’t try to do too much. “Fatigue, over scheduling, and taking on too many tasks can dampen your spirits.  Learn to say no, delegate as much as possible and manage your time wisely.  If you choose to do less you will have more energy to enjoy the most important part of the season-friends and family.”
  • Don’t isolate. “If you’re feeling left out, then get out of the house and find some way to join in.   There are hundreds of places you can go to hear music, enjoy the sights or help those less fortunate.”
  • Don’t overspend. “Create a reasonable budget and stick to it.  Remember it’s not about the presents.  It’s about the presence.” 
  • It’s appropriate to mourn if you’re separated from or have lost loved ones. “If you can’t be with those you love make plans to celebrate again when you can all be together.”
  • Many people suffer depression due to a lack of sunlight because of shorter days and bad weather. “Using a full spectrum lamp for twenty minutes a day can lessen this type of depression called SAD (Seasonal Affectiveness Disorder).”
  • Watch your diet and remember to exercise. “It’s normal to eat more during the holidays, but be aware of how certain foods effect your mood.  If you eat fats and sweets, you will have less energy, which can make you feel more stressed and run down.”  My personal advice:  “git yo’ arse to the G-Y-M!!!
  • Be aware of the Post-Holiday Syndrome. “When all the hustle and bustle suddenly stops and you have to get back to the daily grind, it can be a real letdown.  Ease out of all the fun by planning a rest day toward the end of the season.”
  • Plan ahead. “Many people don’t go to the mall after Thanksgiving to avoid shopping stress and others do much of their party prep in advance.”
  • Learn forgiveness and acceptance. “If some of your relatives have always acted out or made you feel bad, chances are that won’t change.   If you know what you’re getting into, it will be easier to not let them push your buttons.  If things get uncomfortable, go to a movie or for a drive and adjust your attitude.”