Tag Archives: dating

Intergenerational couple

“The Daddy/Sir Playbook”: 4 Younger Guys

     A little more than a week ago—I’m sure you recall–I wrote a Wyattevans.com exclusive entitled, The “Sugah Daddy’s” Playbook (or Sumthin’ Like Dat), based on a recent Queerty article on intergenerational dating.  That article gave tips on “being the best daddy for your boy.”    

     Well, guess what?  You readers made The “Sugah Daddy’s” Playbook one of the most popular Wyattevans.com articles—and one of the most talked about!  And I thank you for that. 

     As a result, I swore I’d flip the script by sharing Queerty’s “Six Pro Tips for Being a Good Daddy’s Boy” as soon as it was released.  And to flesh out that media outlet’s piece and give it fuller meaning, I promised I’d provide analysis and commentary.

     But before I do that, let’s review exactly what intergenerational dating is.  It’s dating outside your age group.  Generally, it’s at least a 10-year difference between couples.

     Keep in mind that intergenerational dating and relationships have always existed.  However, according to “Are Intergenerational Gay Couples a New Trend in Dating,” a Bilerico.com article from last year, these relationships “…do seem to be more common these days.  One reason might be the shift towards more conservative, traditional views of couplehood.  Now that we can get married in so many states, now that we can adopt children, now that we can bear children on our own, gay males are without question settling into more stable ways of dating, expressing our love, and getting into relationships.”

     The media outlet added, “There is a great hunger on the part of many gay men to be in stable, loving relationships and this just might be a driving force behind the possible rise in intergenerational couples.”

     Now, to my analysis/commentary.  As I mentioned in The “Sugah Daddy’s” Playbook, I take umbrage to the use of the word “boy.”  Younger partner/guy/man is more appropriate.  

     As well, too much subservience and neediness are ascribed to the younger partner for my taste.  For instance, I know a few intergenerational couples in which the younger man is the more emotionally evolved/secure.  The more dominant.  The more financially secure. 

    However I agree with the publication’s assertion that younger guys have “figured out something that most gays take decades to realize: experience is sexy, and smart older guys can teach you things you never knew you never knew.”

     And this is very important:  you’ll see that actually, BOTH the younger and the older man need to take these tips, pointers, guidelines to heart.

     So, in conclusion:  I found that the tips for being “a good daddy’s boy” resonated more–and were more relevant–than those for “being the best daddy for your boy.”  However, you be the judge.

     Now, here are those tips—right outta Queerty’s mouth!  Listen:  as I said before, if you don’t like the info, don’t shoot me!  I’m simply the messenger.  (LOL.)  However, do feel free to give Yours Truly your feedback.

     [To Note:  the accompanying photo is of UMass NCAA B-Baller Derrick Gordon (right) and actor-screenwriter Gerald McCullouch—an openly gay intergenerational.] 

  • Be honest. What are your intentions?  What do you want out of this relationship?  Be up-front and honest at the start of the relationship.  That way you can both make sure you’re on the same page.  Maybe one of you is looking for a fling while the other wants to settle down—well, you’d better make sure that’s clear before things get too far.  Intergenerational relationships are particularly prone to mismatched expectations, so you’re better off clearing the air from the start.  (And remember: expectations can change over time, so a periodic check-in is advisable.)
  • No more games. Older guys have learned the value of being direct and honoring their word.  They’re far less likely than your flakey young friends to play mind games or manipulate, and they’ll respect you if you follow through on your commitments.  Being considerate is the key.
  • Think like a daddy. If you’re looking for a daddy, go where daddies go. (‘Nuff said.)
  • He deserves your respect. Being young doesn’t make you special, so don’t think that your pretty soft skin makes you more important than he is.  A successful intergenerational couple enjoys mutual respect, even if he can’t figure out how to program his DVR.  Don’t make the mistake of thinking that he needs you more than you need him.  And don’t think that just because he’s more financially successful than you are, you’re entitled to his cash.  Let him decide whether he’s going to treat you to dinner.  Acknowledge it when he does something nice.  And if you can’t match him, dollar for dollar, you can still do nice things for him that don’t cost money.
  • It’s OK to be you. Being the younger guy can sometimes feel a little marginalizing.  His advanced knowledge, success and poise might discourage you, or make you feel stupid and small.  But hey, you have nothing to apologize for.  It’s OK that you’re still young.  So don’t think of your youth and inexperience as a liability.  Don’t deprive yourself of doing young-person things, watching young-person shows, and hanging out with your young friends.  Remember, those are the very things that attracted him to you in the first place.  If he wants to cut you off from your life and isolate you,
  • Let him surprise you. You might have a lot of pre-conceived ideas about what a daddy is.  And to be fair, a lot of those stereotypes are true:  older guys are often more genteel, worldlier, and more in-control.  But they’re also full of surprises, and you might discover that your daddy can be as silly and playful as your 20-year-old friends.  He might even—gasp—be a bottom.  Don’t assume anything.  Ask him what he likes.
  • Don’t let him take advantage. Sometimes, it’s hard to define the boundary between a fun power play and an unhealthy relationship.  If your daddy is asking too much of you, taking more control over your life than you want him to, or being condescending, let him know.  Remember, you should be in a relationship because it makes you both happy—not just to make him

     So you guys, both younger and older, and older and younger—shake  yo’ groove thang (Oh, Lawd!  Am I dating myself…that is, as in the age department?), and go on and git busy, with yo’ baddddd selves!  LOL.

Intergenerational Dating- 2 guys kissing. one older than the younger athelete

The “Sugah Daddy’s” Playbook (or Sumthin’ Like Dat)

Have you thought about—or actually are—dating out of your age group? 

     Well, the term for it is intergenerational dating.  Generally, it’s at least a 10-year difference between couples.

     Keep in mind that intergenerational dating and relationships have always existed.  However, according to “Are Intergenerational Gay Couples a New Trend in Dating,” a Bilerico.com article from last year, these relationships “…do seem to be more common these days.  One reason might be the shift towards more conservative, traditional views of couplehood.  Now that we can get married in so many states, now that we can adopt children, now that we can bear children on our own, gay males are without question settling into more stable ways of dating, expressing our love, and getting into relationships.”

     The media outlet added, “There is a great hunger on the part of many gay men to be in stable, loving relationships and this just might be a driving force behind the possible rise in intergenerational couples.”

     As Star Trek’s Mr. Spock would say, I found Queerty.com’s recent article on this subject “fascinating.”  And in spots, amusing!  The piece is entitled, “Six Pro Tips for Being the Best Daddy for Your Boy.”

     Before I share these “pointers” with y’all, allow me to provide some commentary.

     Firstly, I found the tone and feel of these tips somewhat quaint, “hokey,” and (out)dated.  For example, I take umbrage to the use of the word “boy.”  Younger partner/guy/man is more appropriate. 

     As well, too much subservience and neediness are ascribed to the younger partner for my taste.  For instance, I know a few intergenerational couples in which the younger man is the more emotionally evolved/secure.  The more dominant.  The more financially secure. 

     In conclusion, I find some of the advice on the “questionable tip”–and not as relevant as it could and should be.  But you be the judge.

     Now, here are those tips on “being the best daddy for your boy”—right outta Queerty’s mouth!  Listen:  if you don’t like the info, don’t shoot me. (LOL!)  I’m simply the messenger.  However, do feel free to give Yours Truly feedback.

     (To Note:  the accompanying photo is of actor-screenwriter Gerald McCullouch and college B-Baller Derrick Gordon—an openly gay intergenerational.)

 

  1. Let him trust you.  Be real.  Show your boy that you’re a steady, stable rock that he can count on.  That’s what young guys love about older men, after all.  Sometimes, that requires patience, since guys in their 20s are puppyish bundles of energy.  If he doesn’t call you back right away, don’t take it personally—he’s still learning how to be a man.  Don’t nag, don’t fly off the handle.  Instead, put yourself in his shoes, and remember how flakey you were when you were a kid.  Be an even-keeled presence that he can look up to.  And teach him how to be a better man by example.
  2. You don’t own him. A daddy is different from a dom.  Your boy may be young and silly, but that doesn’t mean you should start running his life.  At the start of the relationship, talk openly about just how much you want to be calling the shots.  Ask him how much he’s willing to defer to you.
  3. Laugh at your differences. No matter what, he’s going to make you feel old sometimes.  So you have a choice:  either feel sad about it, or laugh about it.  Yeah, maybe he doesn’t know who Bette Davis is, and maybe he doesn’t understand why you have a telephone attached to the wall of your house with a wire.  But who cares?  If he’s truly interested in you, it’s because your life is different from his life.  (I doubled “ovah” in laughter reading this!)
  4. Find common ground. You may have your differences, but now and then you’ll be surprised to discover that the two of you actually see eye-to-eye on something.  Look for places where your hobbies and interests overlap, whether it’s knitting or hiking or watching The Muppet Show.  The stuff that makes relationships strong—no matter what your ages are—are when you both find something that you like to do together.
  5. Trust him. There’s always a risk that he’s a gold digger, just after you for your cash or stability.  So keep an eye out for those boys on social networks, but when you feel a real rapport, give him the benefit of the doubt.  Chances are, if you get along well, he’s interested in the real you.  If you think your boy is just in it for the cash, ask him if he’d mind paying for lunch one day.  If he looks aghast, something might be up.
  6. Make mistakes. Even though gay men are great at intergenerational relationships, there are some issues that we still haven’t quite figured out.  Among them: health issues.  It’s hard for young gays to understand the medical problems that older gays face, whether it’s HIV or just simple arthritis.  Accept that some issues are going to challenge you as a couple, and resolve to be there for each other and forgive when someone makes a misstep. 

 

 

They Don’t Wanna Cruise Your Type

Greetings! First, let me say that I’m so proud and honored by the overwhelmingly positive response I have received regarding my novel, NOTHING CAN TEAR US APART–UNCENSORED! I’m truly blessed.

One of the pivotal reasons I wrote the novel was to demonstrate that there are actually Black and Latino gay men out there who are in loving, monogamous relationships. Unfortunately, according to the Media, one is hard-pressed to find that.

Some time ago, I wrote an award-winning, popular series on racism within the LGBT community for QBLISS entitled, The Cancer That Slowly Consumes Our Very Souls: Racism. The following is an excerpt from that influential series. It details how race influences and plays into the formation of gay identities. This has a deep, profound, and telling impact on who we choose to date, and have sex and partner with–and who does the same regarding us.

So, without further adieu…..

 

They Don’t Want to Cruise Your Type

In Part Four of The Cancer that Consumes Our Very Souls: Racism, I referenced the paper “They Don’t Want to Cruise Your Type: Gay Men of Color and the Racial Politics of Exclusion,” written by Chong-suk Han and published in the January 2007 edition of Social Identities. Exceptionally well-researched and written, and theoretically sophisticated as well, his treatise effectively and overwhelmingly demonstrates how white supremacy within the GLBTI community marginalizes and negatively impacts its minority populations. Han states, “In this paper, I examine the forms of racism that are found in gay communities and show how race is implicated in the construction of gay identities. Particularly, I focus on subtle forms and blatant forms of racism that negate the existence of gay men of color and how racism affects the way we see gay men.”

A full-time lecturer in sociology at Temple University, Dr. Han also is a researcher, whose work in particular points to how sexual and racial stereotyping and internalization combine to put gay Asian Pacific men at greater risk of HIV infection. He has been published widely in such theoretical social science journals as Critical Sociology, Sexuality and Culture, and Social Identities, and in health research/social work periodicals including AIDS Education and Prevention, Health and Social Work, and the Journal of Transcultural Nursing.

In order to retain the robust flavor and full potency of Dr. Han’s “They Don’t Want to Cruise Your Type: Gay Men of Color and the Racial Politics of Exclusion”–which I firmly believe is an eye-opening, landmark work–I will present material from it mostly word for word. So, without further adieu…

In his introduction, Han states, “Despite the civil rights dialogue used by the gay community, many ‘gay’ organizations and members of the ‘gay’ community continue to exclude men of color from leadership positions and ‘gay’ establishments, thus continuing to add to the notion that ‘gay’ equals ‘white.’ Likewise, gay men of color experience homophobia within their racial and ethnic communities.”

He speaks about a “forum on race” which he attended. “As the audible levels of conversations begin to wane, organizers urge the audience of some 200 men, and a handful of women, to take their seats so we can all begin. Within minutes, a representative of the host agency lays out the ground rules of discussion—most noticeably that we will not, given the limited time, try to define racism while quickly offering that, ‘everyone is capable of racism,’ a definition than many men of color in the audience would, if given the chance, vehemently dispute.

Perhaps it wouldn’t have been such an issue if members of the community who were invited to help plan the forum hadn’t spent weeks arguing for the need to discuss racism in the gay community, rather than focus solely on race. Or perhaps it wouldn’t have been such a slight if they were asked to provide an alternative definition of racism, particularly who is able, within the larger social structure, to practice it rather than being left with only one definition of it. In fact, the title ‘Race Forum’ was specifically chosen, against the suggestions offered by members of the community, so that the focus could be on ‘race’ rather than the trickier topic of ‘racism.’”

Han continues, “’It’s like they didn’t hear a thing,’ a member of the ‘community’ told me immediately after the announcement. ‘Why did we go to the meetings? It’s like we weren’t even there. We might as well be invisible.’ Though flabbergasted, he also told me that ‘It’s no surprise.’ It seems that for this member of the community, speaking up and being ignored has come to be a common occurrence. After all, being a gay man of color is to experience the unnerving feeling of being invited to a potluck while being told not to bring anything since nobody would be interested in what you bring, and then not being offered any food since you didn’t bring anything anyway.”

Next, the sociologist/researcher expands the discussion by asserting, “gay America has given a whole new meaning to the term ‘whitewash.’” Han writes, “Whiteness in the gay community is everywhere, from what we see, what we experience, and more importantly, what we desire. The power of whiteness, of course, derives from appearing to be nothing in particular. That is, whiteness is powerful precisely because it is everywhere but nowhere in particular. When we see whiteness, we process it as if it doesn’t exist or that its existence is simply natural. We don’t see it precisely because we see it constantly. It blends into the background and then becomes erased from scrutiny.

And this whiteness is imposed from both outside and inside of the gay community. According to Allan Berube, the gay community is overwhelmingly portrayed in the heterosexual mind as being ‘white and well-to-do.’ Media images now popular in television and film such as Will and Grace, My Best Friend’s Wedding, In and Out, Queer as Folks, Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, etc., promote a monolithic image of the gay community as being overwhelmingly upper-middle class –if not simply rich—and white.”

Han explains, “While mass media will often use stereotypes to sell minority characters to majority audiences, the gay media are no less to blame for the promotion of the ‘gay equals white’ misconception. Even the most perfunctory glance through gay publications exposes the paucity of non-white images. It’s almost as if no gay men of color exist outside of fantasy cruises to Jamaica, Puerto Rico, of the ‘Orient.’

And even then, they exist only to fulfill the sexual fantasies of gay white men. ‘Exotic’ vacations to far away places are marketed to rich white men, and poor colored bodies are only another consumable product easily purchased with western dollars. As such, gay men of color, whether found within western borders or conveniently waiting for white arrival in the far corners of the globe, are nothing more than commodities for consumption.”