Tag Archives: IPV/A

Teens & IPV/A

     Recently, I was contacted by Ms. Katie Fitzpatrick, features editor of the  Torch, the official site of the Glenbrook North High School student-run newspaper, located in Northbrook, Illinois.  Ms. Fitzpatrick had read my Advocate Op-Ed entitled, “Making a Great Escape from an Abusive Relationship,” and wanted to interview me for an article she was co-writing on teens in abusive relationships.  (To read that Advocate Op-Ed, visit: wyattevans.com/making-a-great-escape-from-an-abusive-relationship/)  I was most happy to oblige.

     Sadly, Intimate Partner Violence and Abuse (IPV/A) and Domestic Violence and Abuse (DVA) are on the rise in both the LGBTQ and heterosexual communities.  According to Fatima Smith, assistant director of sexual and intimate partner violence, stalking and advocacy services at Virginia Commonwealth University (whom Fitzpatrick also interviewed), “relationship abuse is ‘abusive and controlling behaviors that one person uses against another in order to gain or maintain power and control in the relationship’.”

     And Jeff Temple, director of behavioral health and research in the Department of Obstetrics and Gynecology at the University of Texas Medical Branch at Galveston (also interviewed), stated, “’Relationship abuse affects both adults and teenagers.  About 10 percent of high school kids nationwide experience physical (relationship) violence with many more victimized by psychological abuse’.”

     Temple added, “’Because teens may have less experience with relationships, they can have difficulty recognizing relationship abuse, especially psychological or emotional abuse’.”

     To read the complete Torch article, visit:  http://torch.glenbrook225.org/in-the-middle/2017/02/03/recognizing-relationship-abuse/

Black & Blue (Is That You?)

     Intimate Partner Violence and Abuse, or IPV/A, is no joke.  Known as domestic violence and abuse within the LGBTQ community, IPV/A is a demoralizing, stigmatizing and potentially life-threatening cycle of behavior. 

     And IPV/A is more prevalent than once was believed: one in four LGBTQ relationships/partnerships is abusive in some way.  A recently-released study bears this out.  Soon, I’ll discuss the disturbing results of this landmark research.  

     As a journalist, I’ve made Intimate Partner Violence and Abuse my signature issue, and conduct national IPV/A seminars and workshops.  Just recently, I shared my own experience in a column I penned for The Advocate.  Visit:  wyattevans.com/making-a-great-escape-from-an-abusive-relationship/

     Before we go further, let’s examine exactly what Intimate Partner Violence and Abuse is…and means.  According to The National Coalition of Anti-Violence Programs, it is “a pattern of behaviors utilized by one partner (the abuser or batterer) to exert and maintain control over another person (the survivor or victim) where there exists an intimate, loving and dependent relationship.”  

      Each year, between 50,000-100,000 lesbians (or more) and as many as 500,000 (or more) gay/SGL men are battered.  Again, IPV/A is no joke.

     According to psychologists and authors Jeanne Segal and Melinda Smith, “Domestic violence and abuse are used for one purpose and one purpose only:  to gain and maintain total control over you.  Abusers use fear, guilt, shame, and intimidation to wear you down and keep you under his or her ‘thumb.’  Your abuser may also threaten you, hurt you, or hurt those around you.  The bottom line is that abusive behavior is never acceptable.  You deserve to feel valued, respected, and safe.”

     Stigma is largely responsible for keeping this destructive behavior “swept under the rug,” which leads to it being dramatically underreported. Therefore, figuratively, this keeps us (locked) in the closet.  Stigma is the albatross around your neck, choking the hell outta ya. 

     Now, to the study.  Entitled “Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer and HIV-Affected Intimate Partner Violence in 2015,” and released by the National Coalition of Anti-Violence Programs (NCAVP), it examines the experiences of 1,976 IPV/A survivors in 14 states (Arizona, California, Colorado, Kansas, Massachusetts, Michigan, Minnesota, Missouri, New York, Ohio, Rhode Island, Texas, Virginia and Vermont).  This new report is the 2016 release edition.  NCAVP “works to prevent, respond to, and end all forms of violence against and within lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer (LGBTQ), and HIV-affected communities.”

     According to the organization, the study “looks at the unique ways that LGBTQ and HIV-affected people experience IPV, as well as the barriers they experience when attempting to access care and support.”   The following is the report overview:

  • People of color (POC) comprised 77% of the reports of LGBTQ and HIV-affected IPV homicides, and 54% of the total number of survivors who reported to NCAVP members in 2015.
  • Transgender women were three times more likely to report experiencing sexual and financial violence.
  • LGBTQ survivors with disabilities were two times more likely to be isolated by their abusive partner and four times more likely to experience financial violence.
  • There was an increase in the percentage of undocumented survivors from 4% in 2014 to 9% in 2015.
  • Forty-four percent of survivors attempting to access emergency shelter were denied and 71% reported being denied because of their gender identity.
  • Out of the total number of survivors who interacted with law enforcement, 25% said that the police were either indifferent or hostile, and31% of LGBTQ survivors who interacted with police said they experienced misarrest.

     These findings demonstrate that it is critical to consider the multiple identities and experiences of LGBTQ victims and survivors because they substantially impact their incidences of IPV/A.  “The bias and discrimination that these communities experience everywhere, from workplaces to shelters, both makes them more vulnerable to IPV and creates unique barriers to accessing services,” the report states.  “For example, we know that LGBTQ and HIV-affected people often experience workplace discrimination, making them less financially secure. Abusive partners often take advantage of financial insecurity to control their partners, as seen in the high number of survivors experiencing financial violence.”

     The new report includes survivor stories that illustrate some of the complicated, nuanced and intersectional ways LGBTQ individuals experience IPV/A.  “’We must start listening to the experiences of LGBTQ people of color, LGBTQ undocumented people, LGBTQ people with disabilities, and transgender and gender nonconforming individuals to learn more about what these communities need to feel safe’,” stated Tre’Andre Valentine from The Network/La Red.  Some time ago, I featured this organization (located in Boston, MA) in the Huffington Post Queer Voices. 

     “’We must protect, uplift, and center those within LGBTQ communities who have been traditionally isolated and shamed for their identities and experiences’,” added Valentine.  “’It’s only with their voices at the center that we can truly begin the work of ending intimate partner violence against LGBTQ and HIV-affected people across the country’.”

     Now, major highlights from the report:

  • LGBTQ People Experience IPV/A in Different Ways. “This year’s report found that transgender women were three times more likely to report experiencing sexual violence and financial violence compared to survivors who were not transgender women within IPV.  Additionally, the report found that LGBTQ survivors with disabilities were two times more likely to be isolated by their abusive partner and four times more likely to experience financial violence when compared to LGBTQ survivors without disabilities.  This year there was an increase in the percentage of undocumented survivors from 4% in 2014 to 9% in 2015.  ’It’s vital that we understand the unique vulnerabilities to IPV and the unique barriers to accessing services for LGBTQ communities, particular LGBTQ people of color, LGBTQ people who are undocumented, transgender and gender nonconforming people, and LGBTQ people with disabilities’, said Julia Berberan from SafeSpace at Pride Center Vermont. ‘We need to make sure we’re reaching all survivors and supporting their specific needs in a survivor-centered way’.”
  • LGBTQ survivors often experience discrimination when trying to access IPV services. “NCAVP’s 2015 report found that about 27% of LGBTQ and HIV-affected survivors attempted to access emergency shelters.  Of those survivors who attempted to access emergency shelter, 44% were denied, with 71% reporting being denied for reasons relating to gender identity, highlighting the negative consequences of sex-segregated emergency shelter options for LGBTQ survivors. ‘Shelter access issues most often impact transgender survivors—particularly transgender women—and cisgender men, who are often denied shelter at historically sex-segregated shelters that only serve cisgender women’, said Lynne Sprague from Survivors Organizing for Liberation in Colorado.  ‘Survivor-centered and identity-affirming housing options must be made available to all survivors’.”
  • LGBTQ IPV survivors experience violence and criminalization from the police. “Similar to previous NCAVP reports on IPV, LGBTQ and HIV-affected survivors reported experiencing misarrest, verbal harassment, and other hostile behaviors when interacting with law enforcement.  Out of the total number of survivors who interacted with law enforcement, 25% said that the police were either indifferent or hostile.  In 2015, 31% of LGBTQ survivors who interacted with police said they experienced misarrest, meaning the survivor was arrested rather than the abusive partner, up from 17% in 2014.  ’Negative and violent experiences with law enforcement where survivors are revictimized are exacerbated with LGBTQ survivors of color, LGBTQ survivors with disabilities, undocumented survivors and other communities that hold multiple marginalized identities which are frequently subjected to violence by police’, said Aaron Eckhardt from BRAVO in Ohio.  ‘Police must be trained to recognize signs of IPV in LGBTQ relationships.  Moreover, we must also seek and create alternatives to the criminal legal system, especially for the safety of those whose identities are already criminalized in our society’.”
  • IPV can be deadly for LGBTQ people. NCAVP documented 13 IPV homicides in 2015.  “’We know that this number does not accurately represent the total number of IPV related homicides of LGBTQ people in the U.S.’, said Beverly Tilery from the New York City Anti-Violence Project.  ‘The lack of awareness and visibility in the media of LGBTQ victims of IPV contributes to this issue being ignored as a national problem.  Transgender victims are frequently misgendered and misnamed in media reports, and the intimate partner relationships of same gender couples are often reduced to friendships in media accounts of these homicides.  This needs to change’.” 

     There is a bright spot, however.   The Violence Against Women Act (VAWA) provides protections for LGBTQ survivors of Intimate Partner Violence and Abuse.  The new report highlights the fact that currently, there are available resources for LGBTQ survivors of IPV/A.  “In 2013, the reauthorization of the Violence Against Women Act (VAWA) created the first federal legislation to protect against discrimination based on sexual orientation and gender identity.  ‘VAWA-funded services like emergency shelter, crisis counseling, and attorneys are essential to helping survivors of IPV regain security’, said Justin Shaw from the Kansas City Anti-Violence Project, in Missouri.”

     As I state in my national seminars and workshops, the most potent and deadliest weapon the abuser has in his/her arsenal is silence.  To make your Great Escape, you must snatch that weapon away from your abuser—and then shatter it into a million pieces!  Let the reverberating sound liberate you.

 

     To download the full NCAVP report, visit:  http://avp.org/about-avp/national-coalition-of-anti-violence-programs.

    If you or someone you know is experiencing IPV/A, visit my special section complete with resources and more:  http://wyattevans.com/lgbtq-domestic-violenceabuse-making-your-great-escape/  And, call: the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) or the Gay Men’s Domestic Violence Project Hotline (1-800-832-1901).

The Sandy Rodgers Show

“FRENZY!” In the Nighttime!

     An Encore Performance!  On Tuesday, January 17 @ 9 p.m. EST/6 p.m. PST, I’m back as Special Guest on Life Love Wellness: The Sandy Rodgers Show—a popular, inspirational and empowering nationally-syndicated radio program!  Sandy and I will have a conversation about my brand new novel, “Nothing Can Tear Us Apart—FRENZY!”  

     Since Intimate Partner Violence and Abuse (IPV/A)–also known as domestic violence and abuse–is the overarching theme of “FRENZY!”,Sandy and I will continue the discussion about this critical and potentially life-threatening behavior. 

     Now, what’s new in the mix this time is a discussion of the syndrome called, “Separation Assault/Violence.”  This occurs when the abuser escalates the violence after the victim leaves.  This can be the most dangerous time in the cycle of abuse. Sandy and I define what it is–and exactly how it impacts victims.

     We also talk about my journey as an author, what moves me…and so much more!  And, I’ll entertain questions from callers. 

     Do join me on the evening of Tuesday, January 17 Be prepared for a slice of engaging, informative and lively radio!

     Life Love Wellness: The Sandy Rodgers Show!  Call in on 516-531-9819 or online at blogtalkradio.com/sandyrodgers to be a part of the conversation!

 

Black Love

It’s All About “Positive Affirmations!” 

    I’m so very pleased and proud to announce that I’ve been selected as Special Consultant to ViiV Healthcare’s “Positive Affirmations–ACCELERATE!” Initiative, a bold community engagement effort targeted to Black Gay, Bisexual and Other MSM who reside in and around Baltimore, Maryland.

     The overarching goals of Positive Affirmations are: 

  1. To connect Black men who identify as Gay, Bisexual, Same Gender Loving or practice MSM Behavior to both formal and personal networks of support.
  2. To assist in breaking down stigma and isolation.
  3. And to tackle challenges related to homophobia, racism, HIV, mental health and substance abuse. 

The program efforts will also expand Black Gay men’s knowledge and understanding of how to access care, advocate for high-quality HIV prevention, treatment and care as well as assist them in meeting their goals to obtain the best quality health care.”

     In particular, I’ll be lending my expertise regarding Intimate Partner Violence and Abuse (IPV/A) to the Initiative.    As a journalist, motivational speaker and advocate, IPV/A is my signature issue.  And, IPV/A is the overarching theme of my brand new novel, “Nothing Can Tear Us Apart—FRENZY!”  To learn what esteemed individuals have stated about “FRENZY!”, visit:  wyattevans.com/what-folks-are-sayin-about-frenzy/

     The Taylor-Wilks Group (TWG) is administering the Initiative, in collaboration with The Center for Black Equity Baltimore.

Broken Bones, Broken Dreams—An Update

Cover photo by Don Gillard     

Towering over me and yelling at the top of his lungs, Antonio, my 6’4”, 280 pound muscled life partner, had me pinned against the wall–his huge, clammy left hand now grasping my neck!  I couldn’t move.                                          

    All the while, the following thoughts flashed in my head:   “This can’t be happening!  How can the man who’s repeatedly professed his undying love be doing this to me?  How can he hurt me this way? HOW???” 

    And then, Antonio…!    

    These are excerpts from my latest novel, Nothing Can Tear Us Apart–RAGE!”  The two protagonists are ‘Tonio and Wes, who are in a monogamous relationship 

     Tragically, ‘Tonio allows old demons and vicious manipulations to cause him to snap.  As a result, he batters Wes—committing the horrendous act of Intimate Partner Violence and Abuse (IPV/A).    

     “Nothing Can Tear Us Apart—FRENZY!”, the riveting and searing sequel, drops in October. “FRENZY!” continues the saga of Wes and ‘Tonio, delving even deeper inside the psyches of these two men.  You, the reader, will find out what buried traumas drive these men.  And, get ready for more masculine romance, rich psychological drama, intrigue, action, twists and turns—and provocative sexual situations. 

     Right after the release of “Nothing Can Tear Us Apart—FRENZY!,” I embark on a national book tour and IPV/A seminars/workshops.  Stay tuned right here at Wyattevans.com for news and details.

     Nearly two years ago, I interviewed Kyle, a victim of Intimate Partner Violence and Abuse.  His was a raw and revealing story.

     Fortunately, he made his “Great Escape” from this life-threatening situation in just the nick of time.  I decided to follow up with this survivor, to find out how life has been treating him.

     Before sharing “life after,” I’m recounting his horrific experience with IPV/A.  But first, let’s understand exactly what this abusive behavior is…and its ramifications.  

So:  Just What Is “Intimate Partner Violence and Abuse (IPV/A)”? 

     In the LGBTQ community, domestic violence/abuse is generally referred to as Intimate Partner Violence/Abuse (IPV/A).  The National Coalition of Anti-Violence Programs defines IPV/A as “a pattern of behaviors utilized by one partner (the abuser or batterer) to exert and maintain control, through fear and intimidation, over another person (the survivor or victim) where there exists an intimate, loving and dependent relationship.” 

     Anyone—and I do mean anyone–can become a victim of domestic violence and abuse, regardless of size, strength, age, gender, or sexual orientation.  I’m an IPV/A survivor, and know of others who’ve experienced this dysfunctional and destructive behavior first hand. 

      Statistics show that this form of behavior occurs with similar frequency as in heterosexual relationships.    Additionally, new research suggests that a greater percentage of LGBTQ individuals are living in fear of an abusive partner than previously thought.  It is estimated that each year, between 50,000-100,000 lesbians (or more) and as many as 500,000 (or more) gay men are battered.   About one in four LGBTQ relationships/partnerships are abusive in some way—about the same as in heterosexual relationships. 

     However, IPV/A is often overlooked, excused, or denied.  And according to psychologists/authors Jeanne Segal and Melinda Smith, the emotional abuse component is a larger problem than you believe.   They state, “Many men and women suffer from emotional abuse, which is no less destructive.  Unfortunately, emotional abuse is often minimized or overlooked, even by the person being abused.”  Examples include using offensive/derogatory names, racial epithets and homophobic language.

     As I stated in “It’s (Just) the Way That I Love You:  Intimate Partner Violence and Abuse in Same-Sex Relationships,” the multi-part series I researched and wrote exclusively for Huffington Post Queer Voices, there are numerous signs of IPV/A.  The most telling is fear of your partner, that you feel you have to “walk on eggshells” around him/her.  Other prominent signs:  excusing frequent injuries as “accidents;” agreeing to everything your partner says/does; being forced into sexual activity; isolating you; threatening to “out” you; blaming you for his/her actions.    

     Now, here’s the “universal Q”:  Can abusers really control their behavior?    Yes!  Typically, according to Segal and Smith, they reserve their actions for those whom they profess to love.  Abusers carefully choose when and where to strike, and cease their destructive behavior when it’s advantageous for them.

     And then there’s the story of Kyle.  

Intimate Partner Violence and Abuse 8

 

Kyle’s Story

    Kyle, a twenty-eight-year-old Caucasian, is an IPV/A survivor.  He agreed to sit down with me on the condition that I refer to him by his middle name.  Kyle says that “Derrick,” his ex-partner, a thirty-year-old African-American, horrifically abused him for nearly two years.   

     EVANS:  Kyle, thanks for agreeing to share your important story.  When and how did you meet Derrick?

     KYLE:  (His eyes light up.) It was in mid-January 2011, at a Sprint store in Laurel (Maryland). Our eyes locked, and the chemistry was instantaneous! 

     KYLE:  He initiated a conversation, and we walked out of the store together.  He took my number, and said he’d call.  (Pause.)  I couldn’t wait!  I was so damned attracted. 

     EVANS:  Kyle, exactly what was the attraction?

     KYLE:  Wyatt, I was very needy.  Derrick was easy-going and self-assured, and seemed nurturing. And so handsome!  He was that “daddy” I was looking for. 

     EVANS:  When did he call?

     KYLE:  Late that night, and we talked for hours!  Derrick wanted to see me the next evening, at my apartment.   Since he was insistent, I agreed.  I was flattered.

    EVANS:  And that evening?

     KYLE:  Immediately, we ended up in bed.  And the sex was absolutely mind-blowing!  We became a couple right after that.

     EVANS:  So Kyle, how long did the “honeymoon” last?

     KYLE:  (He laughs nervously.)  Not very long.  Derrick became possessive—constantly calling to check up on me.  Wanting me with him practically 24/7.  Isolating me.   He was such an overwhelming presence.

     KYLE:  But being needy, I liked it–at first.  Thought it was love.  I kept saying to myself, “I’m so lucky to have him!”  

     KYLE:  And the sex was a drug. 

     EVANS:  Things became even more extreme, correct? 

     KYLE:  Absolutely!  The mind control began.  Derrick told me how to think, act, and dress.  And my biggest mistake was agreeing to let him move in with me. 

    KYLE:  (suddenly becoming solemn.)  The verbal—racial crap, etc.—started soon after. 

    EVANS:  And the physical?

    (Kyle takes a deep breath.) 

   KYLE:  A few weeks after moving in, he accuses me of cheating.  Totally ridiculous!  Derrick was all up in my face, shouting.  I was totally petrified!

   KYLE:  (Pause.)  Then, he decks me.  Hard!  I fall to the floor. 

   (Kyle begins to sob.  I ask him to take his time.)

   KYLE:  I was completely “out of it.”  Then, Derrick grabs me by the collar, screaming, “You nasty little white whore!  Wake tha f**k up!  We ain’t done yet!” 

   KYLE:  Next, he drags me to the bathroom.  To the toilet!  And then he…”

   EVANS:  And then he “what, Kyle?  (He’s sobbing heavily now, rocking back and forth.  He’s in “flashback mode.”) 

   KYLE:  He…he shoves my head into the toilet!  Over and over again! (Pause.)  Water’s all up my nose.  I’m gasping for air.  I felt like I’d pass out! 

   KYLE:  (Long pause.)  Actually, I just wanted to go to sleep…and not wake up.

    (Kyle states that the verbal and physical abuse worsened and escalated.   Fortunately, another gay couple helped him make his “Great Escape.”

    EVANS:  Kyle, why did you stay as long as you did?

    KYLE:  Out of fear, shame and the stigma.  (He gulps.)  And definitely a serious lack of self-worth.   

    Kyle’s moved out of the area, and is in counseling.  And, Derrick?  Well, he’s doing jail time.  

 

Fast Forward…To Now 

     EVANS:  Kyle, it’s been awhile since we last spoke.  How have you been getting along?

     KYLE:  Well Wyatt, I have to admit that in the beginning it was rough!  What Derrick put me through shook me to my very core.  (Pause.)  Actually, shattered me.

     EVANS:  And speaking of Derrick—is he still in prison?

     KYLE:  Yes.

     EVANS:   Do you know when his sentence ends?

     KYLE:  Actually, in the not too distant future.  I’m going to get confirmation on that soon. 

     EVANS:  How do you feel about his impending release?

     KYLE:  (Dread washes over his face.)  Not good!  Not good at all.

     EVANS:  You began therapy right after you relocated, correct?

     KYLE:  I did.

     EVANS:  Kyle, how did that work for you?

     KYLE:  Well, I had to go through two counselors before finding the right one for me.  She’s amazing!

     EVANS:  Are you still seeing her?

     KYLE:  Off and on now.  In the beginning, I saw her once a week—sometimes twice—for a little over a year.  It was a struggle, but well worth it.

     EVANS:  You know, I’m a strong advocate of psychological counseling.  At various points in my life, I’ve been “on the couch” for different issues—including IPV/A.  It was invaluable.

     KYLE:  Wyatt, my therapist saved my life!  She helped me deal with my issues, repair my self-worth and self-esteem.  Because of her, I’ve been able to put my life back together. 

     KYLE:  (Next, he smiles.)  Well, more or less.

     EVANS:  Kyle, I’m so happy for you!  Are you dating now? 

     KYLE:  Actually, I am!  One guy.  I’m taking things slow, however.

     EVANS:  Excellent!  Kyle, what words of encouragement and wisdom do you have for victims who are trapped in an abusive relationship?

     KYLE:  First and foremost:  no one deserves to be abused!  Second:  it is NOT your fault!  It never is.  Third:  you must tell as many people as possible, people whom you trust.  Somehow, you must make your “Great Escape,” the phrase you’ve coined.  But keep in mind:  you need a well thought-out plan and strategy before attempting to leave your abuser.  That’s critical. 

     KYLE:  I will never again allow myself to be in an abusive situation!  I’ll run like hell as soon as I see the warning signs.

     EVANS:  Thanks so much, Kyle.  Your story is an inspiration!  Continued good luck to you.

     KYLE:  And thank you, Wyatt. 

If you or someone you know is experiencing IPV/A, call: the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) or the Gay Men’s Domestic Violence Project Hotline (1-800-832-1901).  And always remember:  it ain’t (just) the way that he/she loves you.

Domestic-Violence (You-Tube)

Make Your “Great Escape!”

     Due to popular demand, I’ve created a Special Section on WYATTEVANS.COM devoted to Intimate Partner Violence and Abuse (IPV/A), which is domestic violence/abuse within the LGBTQ Community.

     This Special Section includes:  exactly what IPV/A is and means; it’s consequences and ramifications;  a list of resources you can tap into; and all of my articles on this demoralizing, dehumanizing—and potentially life-threatening behavior.

     Intimate Partner Violence/Abuse is the significant theme of “Nothing Can Tear Us Apart—RAGE!”, as well as the soon to be released “FRENZY!”  This sequel drops in October.

     Visit:  wyattevans.com/lgbtq-domestic-violenceabuse-making-your-great-escape/

“The Comeback Kid”: How Your Abuser Wins You Back

     So finally, you’ve managed to make your “Great Escape” from your abuser.  (Great Escape is the term I’ve coined for my LGBTQ Intimate Partner Violence and Abuse workshops and seminars.)  And after he/she fully absorbs that you’ve indeed found or reclaimed your backbone and guts, the counteroffensive begins in earnest with “plastic” pleas that include, “I really didn’t mean it,” “I was just so stressed out,” and/or “I promise it will not happen again ‘cause I love you to death!”  (“Love you to death?”  Trust and believe:  that’s something you really don’t want.)      

       You see, he/she is trying to reel you back in, to slither right back into your life.  And if you let that happen—at the very least without him/her taking full responsibility for their actions and getting individual counseling–it can be disastrous to you emotionally, mentally, and physically.  And potentially life-threatening.

     Before I detail how the abuser stages a return to win you back, let’s understand exactly what Intimate Partner Violence and Abuse, or IPV/A, is–and it’s cycle of abuse.  Simply put, this horrendous conduct is referred to as domestic violence and abuse within the LGBTQ community.  According to the National Coalition of Domestic Violence, it is the “pattern of behavior used to establish power and control through fear and intimidation, often including the threat or use of violence, when one person believes that they are entitled to control another.”  The National Coalition of Anti-Violence Programs defines it as “a pattern of behaviors utilized by one partner (the abuser or batterer) to exert and maintain control over another person (the survivor or victim) where there exists an intimate, loving and dependent relationship.”  

      Statistics show that this form of abuse occurs with similar frequency as in heterosexual relationships.    Additionally, new research suggests that a greater percentage of LGBTQ individuals are living in fear of an abusive partner than previously thought.  And each year, between 50,000-100,000 lesbians (or more) and as many as 500,000 (or more) gay men are battered, and about one in four LGBTQ relationships/partnerships are abusive in some way. 

      According to psychologists and authors Jeanne Segal and Melinda Smith, “Domestic violence and abuse are used for one purpose and one purpose only:  to gain and maintain total control over you.  An abuser doesn’t ‘play fair.’  Abusers use fear, guilt, shame, and intimidation to wear you down and keep you under his or her ‘thumb.’  Your abuser may also threaten you, hurt you, or hurt those around you.”

     The Network/La Red, whom I’ve interviewed for the Huffington Post Queer Voices, weighs in.  Located in Boston, it is a survivor-led, social justice organization that works to end partner abuse in the LGBTQ community.  “Abuse is not about violence; it’s about control,” according to the organization.  “You can be just as controlling of someone if you are small—as if you’re large.  It’s about using violence or any other means of gaining and maintaining control.”

Intimate Partner Violence and Abuse 6

     Segal and Smith add, “The bottom line is that abusive behavior is never acceptable, whether it’s coming from a man, a woman, a teenager, or an older adult.  You deserve to feel valued, respected, and safe.”

     So, what is the complete cycle of IPV/A?  According to the psychologists, this behavior falls into a common pattern, which begins with abuse and ends with the set-up:

  • Abuse. Your abusive partner lashes out with aggressive, belittling, or violent behavior.  The abuse is a power play intended to “keep you in line, and show you who’s boss.”
  • Guilt. After abusing you, your partner feels guilt—but not over what he/she’s done.  The abuser is more concerned about the possibility of being caught and facing consequences for the abusive behavior.
  • Excuses. Your abuser rationalizes what he/she has done, devising a string of excuses or blaming you for the abusive behavior—anything to avoid taking responsibility.
  • “Normal” Behavior. The abuser does everything to regain control and keep the victim in the relationship.  Your abuser may act as if nothing has occurred, or he/she may pour on the charm.  The abuser’s apologies and loving overtures in between the episodes of abuse can make it difficult for you to leave.  Your abuser may make you believe that you are the only person who can help, that things will be different, and that he/she truly loves you.  However, the dangers of staying are very real.
  • Fantasy and Planning. Your abuser starts to fantasize about abusing you again, spending a lot of time thinking about what you’ve done wrong and how he/she’ll make you pay.  Next, the abuser devises a plan for turning the fantasy of abuse into reality.   (Here’s Part A of an example:  he/she tells you to go to the store, but doesn’t tell you that you have a certain amount of time to return.  When you’re a few minutes late because you were held up in traffic, for example, your abuser assaults you.)
  • Set-Up. Your abuser sets you up and puts his/her plan into motion, creating a situation where he/she can justify abusing you.   (Part B of the preceding example:  when you’re a few minutes late, your partner feels totally justified in attacking you because, according to him/her,  “you’re having an affair with the store clerk or manager.”)      

     Now, onto how the abuser attempts to slither, worm his/her way back into your life after you’ve made your glorious Great Escape.  The LaSalle Parish, Louisiana sheriff’s office lists these classic “Take Me Back Tactics:”

  • The Honeymoon Syndrome. Also referred to as “Hearts and Flowers,” this is any bribe to get you to return—and the sooner the better.  “The abuser will turn on the charm and promise to change.  He/she will promise to get therapy, promise not to hurt you again, and tell you how wonderful you are, saying things like, ‘I know I don’t deserve you, but if you’ll take me back’…”
  • The Revival Syndrome. “’I have been going to church since you left.  I have accepted religion into my life’.”  But, has the violence ended?  Well, don’t be duped and taken in.  “Just because he/she says he goes to church does not mean that the abuse and violence can’t be right around the corner.  Many ‘God-fearing’ people abuse, rape, beat and murder their partners!”
  • The Sobriety Syndrome. It’s a fact that abusers have a higher incidence of substance dependence.  Even when they deny it, abusers are aware that they have a problem or aware that YOU believe they have a problem.  “When faced with losing their partners, they suddenly ‘see the light’ and swear they will never touch it again.  You want to hear it and believe it and you will support his effort.  You should!  Encourage him/her to see a doctor, join a support group and seek therapy.  Don’t fall for the promise unless and until you see him/her actively participating in sobriety with OUTSIDE HELP.  Counseling can also address problems and issues to help the abuser substitute healthier behaviors for destructive coping mechanisms.”
  • Counseling Syndrome. Abusers utilize this tactic to (1) get you to stay, and (2) maintain control and intimidation. “Abusers cannot just stop their behaviors without assistance to overcome issues and replace destructive behaviors with healthy ones.  Appropriate counseling cannot be done WITH the victim present.  The victim is not free to say what they think without fear of repercussion.  Batters must take full responsibility for their actions, must understand and admit that THEY have the problem and must be dedicated to make positive long-term changes.  Couples counseling can come later, when the abuser begins to show positive changes in behavior.” 

       If you or someone you know is experiencing IPV/A, call: the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233), Gay Men’s Domestic Violence Project Hotline (1-800-832-1901), or  The Network/La Red’s Hotline (1-617-742-4911).

     And always remember:  It ain’t (just) the way that he/she loves you.

Intimate Partner Violennce and Abuse 1

Will It Ever End???, Part One

     “After years of being beaten and emotionally abused, I managed to gather the strength and courage to leave him.  I thought that finally, I was in the clear!  But how wrong I was…

    “He beat the crap out of one of my buddies–to find out where I was!  And before you know it, he ‘popped up’ on me, and…” 

     This is an excerpt from Part Two of “Will It Ever End???”, my interview of a victim of Intimate Partner Violence and Abuse (IPV/A)–the term used for domestic violence and abuse within the LGBTQ Community.  Unfortunately, his torture didn’t end–even after he fled from his abuser. Later in October, you’ll be able to read all about his harrowing story right here at Wyattevans.com.

     Sadly, one of the most pervasive and entrenched myths regarding IPV/A is that victims will be safe if they could only leave their abusers.  In fact, far too many people believe that victims are free to leave abusers at any time–and will naturally do so once the level of violence becomes “enough” to force that change.  

     However, leaving doesn’t usually put an end to the violence and abuse.  Time and time again, this can be the most dangerous point in a relationship.  This period is what’s called Separation Violence and Assault.  I give it the acronym, SVA. And, this is exactly what my interviewee experienced.

     In Part One of “Will It Ever End???” I discuss SVA in detail–including its ramifications.  And as I just mentioned, Part Two tells the riveting saga of an individual who suffered through this syndrome.

     Let me emphasize that in many instances, leaving does not put an end to the pattern of abusive behavior.  “Instead, it actually INCREASES existing dynamics of violence and can INITIATE new levels of violence and new forms of retaliation from the abuser to the victim; trying to force them to stay with threats of GREATER violence, legal retaliation (‘I’ll get the kids in court.’), up to and including lashing out with physical violence against third parties,” according to www.aardvarc.org, a respected domestic violence information website“In fact, many abusers believe that the victim ‘belongs’ to them, and that as such, they are fully justified in doing whatever it takes to make sure that ‘their property’ remains theirs.”

    In an attempt to force the victim to reconcile with him/her, an abuser may escalate the violence.  As well, the abuser might also be reacting to some perceived abandonment or rejection by his/her partner.

     However, even though leaving may prove terribly unsafe, continuing to cohabitate with your abuser may prove to be downright deadly.  As I state in my national seminars and workshops, making your “Great Escape” involves and entails well thought-out, deliberate, strategic–and above all–careful planning.  And, making that Great Escape is absolutely necessary.

     You must remember:  it is imperative that you tell anyone who will listen, particularly those you really trust.  And, the following is extremely important:  know your legal rights.  You have a right to equal protection of the law.  You have a right to live free of violence, threats, and abuse of any kind. 

     Make it your mission to conduct research to ascertain exactly what your rights are where you live.  The internet is for so much more than just Facebook and Twitter.

    There are officials and institutions that can help you free yourself from Intimate Partner Violence and Abuse. These include the 911 operator, police, county jail, district attorney and victim assistance.  Become knowledgeable about, and avail yourself of these crucial resources so that you can make your Great Escape. 

     Here’s the bottom line:  you cannot—and must not—stay in a violent, abusive relationship. 

     Need to make your Great Escape?  The Gay Men’s Domestic Violence Project can help, 24/7.  Call: 800-832-1901.  

    Next up:  A victim of Separation Violence and Abuse opens up, and bares his soul.

The “He/She Really Didn’t Mean IT: Intimate Partner Violence and Abuse (IPV/A) and RAGE!” Tour

     On Saturday September 19, 2015, I kick off my National “He/She Really Didn’t Mean IT: Intimate Partner Violence and Abuse (IPV/A) and RAGE!” Tour!  I’ll be conducting IPV/A Seminars/Workshops, and performing excerpts from my latest novel, “Nothing Can Tear Us Apart—RAGE!” 

    My first stop is Washington, D.C., my hometown, where I’m honored to be a Featured Speaker at the 4th Annual Literary Soul Symposium. LLS is a coalition of African-American Book Clubs that celebrate the diverse literary efforts of  African-American LGBTQ Authors.  It’s gonna be REAL…and RIGHTEOUS!

     For more information, visit: literarysoulsymposium.myevent.com

     Stay tuned for my other venues and dates.

 

Old fashioned Microphone

MARK THE DATE:  9/19/15!

     On Saturday September 19, 2015, I kick off my National “He/She Really Didn’t Mean IT: Intimate Partner Violence and Abuse (IPV/A) and RAGE!” Tour!  I’ll be conducting IPV/A Seminars/Workshops, and performing excerpts from my latest novel, “Nothing Can Tear Us Apart—RAGE!” 

    My first stop is Washington, D.C., my hometown!  To get the full 411, visit the EVENTS Section.

Campus

IPV/A Has Enrolled in College

     As a journalist, I’ve made domestic violence and abuse within the LGBTQ community– generally referred to as Intimate Partner Violence and Abuse (IPV/A)–my signature issue.  As well, I conduct IPV/A seminars and workshops across the country.  And, this deplorable and potentially life-threatening behavior is the dominant theme of my latest novel, Nothing Can Tear Us Apart—RAGE! 

     Are you aware that a growing number of LGBTQ college students are victims of intimate partner violence and abuse in their current relationships?  Appalling, but true. 

     To learn more, read the latest The W.O.E. Report, my exclusive column in the July edition of Baltimore Gay Life.  Here’s a link to the online version of the magazine.  My article is on page 34, so you have to go to page 34 after going here.

Just The B

Bobby Smith: Makin’ It Through the Storm

The WYATT O’BRIAN EVANS Show–on the progressive PapichuloRADIO.com—makes its Righteous and Real Return on Sunday, July 26th @ 9 PM ET/6 PM PT! 

     The eppy is all about a serious and critical issue I’m extremely passionate about:  Intimate Partner Violence and Abuse (IPV/A), the term used for domestic violence/abuse within the LGBTQ Community.   On Sunday night, I’ll give you an encapsulated version of the IPV/A seminars I conduct across the country.

     And to put a human face on this demoralizing, despicable—and potentially life-threatening behavior, The WYATT O’BRIAN EVANS Show welcomes Mr. Bobby Smith, an activist who’s worked in the arenas of HIV/AIDS advocacy and support for more than 20 years. 

     And, he’s an IPV/A Survivor.  

     Bobby will open up and have a candid discussion about his harrowing and life-changing experiences with IPV/A.  And as you’ll see, he’s “made it thru the storm!”  And, he’s done so quite well. 

     This installment of The WYATT O’BRIAN EVANS Show is one you simply don’t wanna miss!  If you or someone you know is experiencing IPV/A, call: the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) or the Gay Men’s Domestic Violence Project Hotline (1-800-832-1901). 

The WYATT O’BRIAN EVANS Show!   #THEWOESHOW 

Fierce, Fascinating and Fearless TALK—with Feeling!

Guys at Brunch

Thanks, G. A. B.!

     I wanna thank the “wayyy-cool” Guys At Brunch (Shawn Bradley, Nicholas) for a really great experience!  I was their special guest for a discussion on Intimate Partner Violence and Abuse (IPV/A).  I explained in detail what IPV/A is, its warning signs, and how it can take an immeasurable toll on victims.  As well, I spoke on how I made my “Great Escape.” 

    We also discussed my latest novel, Nothing Can Tear Us Apart—RAGE!, whose overarching theme is IPV/A.  G.A.B., thanks for such a substantive and fun show! 

     The video from the show is below:

Picture of a mom who assaulted her son for being gay

Mom Assaults Son Because She Believes He’s “Gay”

      As everyone’s aware, as a journalist, my signature issue is Gay Intimate Partner Violence and Abuse (IPV/A).  This demoralizing, horrendous–and potentially life-threatening–behavior is heavily stigmatized; thereby, it tends to be grossly underreported.  Therefore, I’ve made it my mission to shine a bright light on IPV/A. 

     And just recently, there’s been an unfortunate “twist” or sorts in this sick, galling saga.  Just days ago, Jacqueline Alexander, a Memphis, Tennessee woman, was charged with beating and punching her own son—all because she believes he’s gay.  The age of Alexander’s son has not yet been revealed. 

     According to WREG, News Channel 3 in Memphis, “Police said she punched her son in the face because she thinks he’s ‘too feminine’ and gay.”  According to the news channel, the child had bruises on his face when police arrived. 

     WREG interviewed Will Batts of the city’s LGBT Community Center.  According to Batts, this type of abuse occurs all too often. 

     “’We certainly have lots of kids and adults who come into the center who talk about being abused or hurt in some way by the people who are supposed to be the ones who care most about them’ he said.” 

     Batts stated that he “’wants to see a change in how people think, an acceptance of all, regardless of their sexual orientation, and to break the barriers of gender stereotypes’.” 

     “’We live with these really strict rules about how people should act or dress or talk or behave, and life is so much more complicated than that’,” he added. 

     Alexander’s bond has been set at $1,000.

Domestic Violence

Does Lovin’ Me Include Battering Me?

      Kwame Harris.  William Ewell.  What do these two men have in common?

     Well, they are (were) Black.  And, both men got caught up in separate incidents of the “nasty bizness” of Intimate Partner Violence and Abuse (IPV/A). 

     In his particular situation, Harris was the abuser.  

     In his particular situation, Ewell was the victim.  

     And unfortunately for Mr. Ewell, he died from it.

     You may recall the story of Mr. Harris.  On December 20, 2013, the former San Francisco 49ers and Oakland Raiders lineman was sentenced to five days in jail and three years of probation for battering Dimitri Geier, his ex-boyfriend, in August 2012.

     At the time of the violence, Harris and Geier were romantically involved.  They’d previously lived together.  According to the San Jose Mercury News, “While dining at a Chinese restaurant, they began to argue and Harris then pinned Geier against a glass wall.  When they went outside, Harris hit Geier several times in the face and head, causing a compound facial fracture that required surgery and insertion of a metal plate.”  After a six-day trial, Harris was convicted of misdemeanor violence and assault charges but acquitted of felony domestic violence and assault charges.

     Now on to Mr. Ewell.  According to the Nydailynews.com, “William Ewell died after getting into a fistfight with his 20-year-old beau on a Bronx street when the two came to blows.  According to friends, ‘Ewell was a devout minister who preached loved and respect for others’.”

      You see, on Sunday, November 30, Ewell was arguing with his boyfriend at Bronx Park East and Mace Avenue, near the Bronx Zoo.  His younger partner punched him, knocking him to the ground. 

     Ewell died sometime later.

     “Friends said that the couple were recently engaged.  Police stated that charges against the younger man were pending the medical examiner’s investigation.”

     These are two horrific examples of the vicious cycle called Intimate Partner Violence and Abuse, or IPVA.    The National Coalition of Anti-Violence Programs defines it as “a pattern of behaviors utilized by one partner (the abuser or batterer) to exert and maintain control over another person (the survivor or victim) where there exists an intimate, loving and dependent relationship.”  

      New research suggests that a greater percentage of LGBTQ individuals are living in fear of an abusive partner than previously thought.  It is estimated that each year, between 50,000-100,000 lesbians (or more) and as many as 500,000 (or more) gay men are battered, and about one in four LGBTQ relationships/partnerships are abusive in some way.           

     As a journalist, I’ve made this dehumanizing and potentially life-threatening behavior–which tends to be heavily stigmatized and notoriously underreported in the LGBTQ community–my signature issue.  I conduct IPV/A seminars and workshops around the country. 

    I’m so passionate about this issue because I know individuals who have been victims of IPV/A.  And in my twenties, I experienced this demeaning behavior first-hand .

    My experience was psychological—the tearing down of my self-esteem, verbal abuse, threats, isolation.  At the time, I didn’t have the tools and information to make my “Great Escape.” 

     Fortunately however, I eventually did.

      With my continuing coverage at Wyattevans.com, Huffington Post, Baltimore Gay Life, BaltimoreOUTLoud, and The Wyatt O’Brian Evans Show (on the progressive Papichuloradio.com), I’ve been shining a bright light on this critical issue.   Part of this coverage includes telling the personal stories of IPV/A victims.

     At my seminars and workshops, I’m frequently asked, “Can abusers really control their behavior?”  The answer:  if they want to, they can!  Research has borne this out.  

     Currently, it’s unclear whether or not there was a pattern of violence and abuse in the relationship of Ewell and his partner.   But what we do know, however, is this:  there must be ZERO TOLERANCE for even one incident of IPV/A. And the faulty thinking and lame excuse (that too many people have) that “boyz will be boyz” just doesn’t cut it. 

    Here’s the Bottom Line:  Intimate Partner Violence and Abuse (IPV/A) ain’t the way that you love somebody.    

     If you or someone you know is experiencing IPV/A, call: the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) or the Gay Men’s Domestic Violence Project Hotline (1-800-832-1901).

Domestic Violence

I Love You To Death, Part Two

     The second installment of my three-part series on Intimate Partner Violence and Abuse (IPV/A) has just been published in Baltimore Gay Life (BGL)!  Entitled “I Love You to Death,” it’s the topic of“The W.O.E. Report,my exclusive, monthly column for BGL. 

     “I Love You to Death, Part Two” lays out the Complete Cycle of Intimate Partner Violence and Abuse.  In a concise manner, I explain the cycle from “A to Z”:  from Set-Up to Follow Through.  In this way, you can envision just how this sick, demoralizing pattern of behavior can be so damaging to the victim—physically, emotionally, and psychologically. 

    Here’s a link to the online version of the magazine. My article is on page 18, so you have to go to page 18 http://issuu.com/baltimoregaylife/docs/gaylife_november2014#signin 

New Landmark Study Finds IPV/A More Common than Originally Believed

      A critical new study on Intimate Partner Violence and Abuse, or IPV/A (commonly referred to as domestic violence and abuse within the LGBTQ community), shines an even brighter light on this heinous and potentially life-threatening behavior.

    As a journalist, IPV/A is my signature issue.  As well, I conduct national seminars and workshops on this despicable behavior–which can eat away at your very soul.  And, IPV/A is the overarching theme of my new novel, “Nothing Can Tear Us Apart—RAGE!”

     This landmark study, conducted by Chicago’s Northwestern University (NU), concludes that IPV/A occurs at least as much—but possibly more—among same-sex couples as among opposite-sex couples.   According to the nydailynews.com, “The study team can’t say why domestic violence may be more common among same-sex couples, but they suggest it may result from the added stress of being a sexual minority.” 

     Richard Carroll, a psychologist at NU’s Feinberg School of Medicine and senior author of the study published in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, stated, “’There are vulnerabilities that come with being in a homosexual relationship.  It can be as basic as someone not ready or willing to be open to their family or community that they’re in a homosexual relationship.  The theory is that additional stressors can add to increased strain that leads to increased violence or abuse’.”

     Because IPV/A tends to be heavily stigmatized, it is woefully underreported.  “According to Carroll, among the challenges that sometimes prevent researchers from collecting reliable data on domestic violence among same-sex couples is the partners’ reluctance to bring up the topic out of fear of being outed or blamed.  ‘It’s not as easy for same-sex couples to be open about these things in the first place’, he said.”    

    To formulate the new study, the researchers probed the databases of medical research on the prevalence of intimate partner violence and abuse among same-sex couples.  Based on the findings of four studies that had data on 30,000 participants, the researchers found that between one and three quarters of LGBTQ individuals are victims of IPV/A.  That is at least equal to the quarter of heterosexual women who are victims of domestic violence in their lifetimes.

     Carroll continued, “’In addition to the added stress of being a sexual minority, another contributor to increased risk of domestic violence among same-sex couples could be that same-sex partners are unconsciously acting out an internalized homophobia they developed while being raised in a heterosexual society’.”

     “’The good news is that I think the gay community has begun to address this over the past 10 years, Carroll said.  There are certainly more resources for couples experiencing violence’.” 

     If you or someone you know is experiencing IPV/A, call: the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) or the Gay Men’s Domestic Violence Project Hotline (1-800-832-1901).

 

Domestic Violence hurts everyone

I Love You To Death, Part One

     October is designated as Domestic Violence Awareness Month.  In the LGBTQ community, domestic violence and abuse is generally referred to as Intimate Partner Violence and Abuse, or IPV/A.  

     As a journalist, IPV/A is my signature issue.  Therefore, in recognition of Domestic Violence Awareness Month, I’m involved in various activities.  The first was an in-depth discussion of IPV/A on Dishing Tea, the international radio show hosted by Demetris Dennis Taylor.  

     And, the first of my three-part series on IPV/A entitled “I Love You to Death” has just debuted in The WOE Report, my new and exclusive column for Baltimore Gay Life. Visit:  baltimoregaylife.com/i-love- you-to-death-part-one/ 

    Stay tuned to www.wyattevans.com for more news and features on this critical…and potentially life-threatening behavior, which is deeply stigmatized—and tends to be grossly underreported in the LGBTQ community.

April is National Sexual Assault Awareness and Prevention Month

     President Barack Obama has just named April as National Sexual Assault Awareness and Prevention Month.  The President’s proclamation shines a light even more brightly on this demoralizing crime–which can have life and death consequences. 

     The White House press release, Presidential Proclamation—National Sexual Assault Sexual Assault Awareness MonthAwareness and Prevention Month, 2014, states the following:  “Every April, our Nation comes together to renew our stand against a crime that affronts our basic decency and humanity.  Sexual assault threatens every community in America, and we all have a role to play in protecting those we love most—our mothers and fathers, our husbands and wives, our daughters and sons.  During National Sexual Awareness and Prevention Month, we recommit to ending this outrage of sexual assault, giving survivors the support they need to heal, and building a culture that never tolerates sexual violence.”

The White House continues, “We have come a long way, but sexual violence remains an all-too-common tragedy…Sexual assault is more than just a crime against individuals.  When a young boy or girl withdraws because they are questioning their self-worth after an assault, that deprives us of their full potential.  When a parent struggles to hold a job in the wake of a traumatic attack, the whole family suffers.  And when a student drops out of school or a service member leaves the military because they were sexually assaulted, that is a loss for our entire Nation.”

And finally, “This month, let us recognize that we all have a stake in preventing sexual assault, and we all have the power to make a difference.  Together, let us stand for dignity and respect, strengthen the fabric of our communities, and build a safer, more just world.”

As a journalist and activist, my signature issue is domestic violence and abuse within the LGBTQ community, generally known as Intimate Partner Violence and Abuse (IPV/A).  More often than not, this destructive, demeaning and potentially life-threatening behavior is heavily stigmatized and “swept under the rug” within the LGBTQ community.  As a result, IPV/A is grossly underreported.

New research suggests that a greater percentage of LGBTQ individuals are living in fear of an abusive partner than previously thought.  And each year, between 50,000-100,000 lesbians (or more) and as many as 500,000 (or more) gay men are battered, and about one in four LGBTQ relationships/partnerships are abusive in some way.

According to psychologists and authors Jeanne Segal and Melinda Smith, “Domestic violence and abuse are used for one purpose and one purpose only:  to gain and maintain total control over you.  An abuser doesn’t ‘play fair.’  Abusers use fear, guilt, shame, and intimidation to wear you down and keep you under his or her ‘thumb.’  Your abuser may also threaten you, hurt you, or hurt those around you.”

I conduct IPV/A seminars and workshops across the country to inform and educate, in the hopes that victims can make their “Great Escape.”  I’ll continue to update you on where I’ll be next.

Remember:  Intimate Partner Violence and Abuse ain’t “boys being boys”—or whatever is said to minimize or “blow it off” this reprehensible, dangerous behavior.  

     It’s serious stuff.

    And totally unacceptable.

Each year, more than a half million

Domestic-Violence (You-Tube)

Wyatt and M3 on IPV/A

     Check me out on Utube, my peoples!  I discuss Intimate Partner Violence and Abuse (IPV/A) with the Male Media Mind (M3), a blog “that harnesses the collective creativity of the nerdy” black bear community.  M3 does an awesome job of both informing and entertaining the LGBTQ community.

     As a journalist, IPV/A is my “signature issue.”  Unfortunately and sadly, this demeaning and potentially life-threatening behavior is heavily stigmatized; and often than not, tends to be underreported and “swept under the rug.”  Each year, more than 500,000 gay/SGL men in relationships/partnerships are battered.

Do visit:  www.utube.com, M3 Bear Essentials:  Intimate Partner Violence with Wyatt O’Brian Evans.

Intimate Partner Violence and Abuse (IPV/A) Seminar–Friday, March 7

I’ll be conducting an IPV/A Seminar for the D.C. Chapter of ADODI-DC on Friday, March 7, from 7 -9 p.m., in Washington, D.C.  ADODI “is a community of men of color who affirm their African Lineage and love of men. Our purpose is to foster and encourage the self-discovery, validation, empowerment and liberation of all members of our diverse community.”

This event takes place at the MCCDC Church, 474 Ridge Street, N.W., in D.C.  I’ll define IPV/A, explain in detail what it’s all about, its warning signs—and how you can make your “Great Escape!”  And, I’ll read excerpts from my brand new novel, Nothing Can Tear Us Apart—RAGE! 

     You don’t wanna miss this very special event!  To get additional info, contact me at the CONTACT page.

Intimate Partner Violence and Abuse (IPV/A) Seminar–Friday, March 7

I’ll be conducting an IPV/A Seminar for the D.C. Chapter of ADODI-DC on Friday, March 7, from 7 -9 p.m., in Washington, D.C.  ADODI “is a community of men of color who affirm their African Lineage and love of men. Our purpose is to foster and encourage the self-discovery, validation, empowerment and liberation of all members of our diverse community.”

This event takes place at the MCCDC Church, 474 Ridge Street, N.W., in D.C.  I’ll define IPV/A, explain in detail what it’s all about, its warning signs—and how you can make your “Great Escape!”  And, I’ll read excerpts from my brand new novel, Nothing Can Tear Us Apart—RAGE! 

     You don’t wanna miss this very special event!  To get additional info, contact me at the CONTACT page. 

Wyatt Obrian Evans poster Seminars & Workshops on IPV/A

The Network/La Red

Later this year, I’ll be conducting seminars and workshops across the country on Intimate Partner Violence and Abuse, which is stigmatized and grossly under reported in the LGBTQ Community.

As I prepare for these events, I’ll be acknowledging noteworthy IPV/A organizations for the Huffington Post.  Read my recent feature on one such organization, Boston’s The Network/La Red: Here is the my Huffington Post article.