Tag Archives: neurochemistry

Just Dump His/Her A**!, Part One

     As you’re aware, I wear many hats:  Journalist (Huffington Post, Baltimore Gay Life, Wyattevans.com, Bilerico) , Author (“Nothing Can Tear Us Apart” series of novels), Talk Show Host (“The Wyatt O’Brian Evans Show”), Advocate/Motivational Speaker (LGBTQ Depression, Racism, Intimate Partner Violence/ Abuse), Voice-Over Instructor/Talent, Entertainer, and Lifestyle PersonalitySo many “hats,” not enough heads…LOL!

     As a Lifestyle Personality, I’ve researched and written extensively on a number of diverse topics, including: how to get what you really want and deserve out of life, and romance and relationships.  And currently, as a Lifestyle Personality, I’m completing a prestigious project for an iconic and storied publication!  Details upcoming.

    In this regard, I’m publishing my latest series on romance and relationships, an exclusive for Wyattevans.com.  It’s a Two-Partner entitled, “Just Dump His/Her A**!” 

     This series explores and explains the reasons why—no matter how hard you try— you just can’t seem to “kick to the curb” that loser with whom you’re involved!  In Part One, I’m clueing you in on the WHY

     Writer Norine Dworkin-McDaniel cleverly provides her six reasons–which I wholeheartedly endorse.  Like me, she digs deep inside the psyche, to uncover why we really do what we do.  Although Dworkin-McDaniel wrote her article with heterosexual females expressly in mind, it’s totally applicable to and strongly resonates with the LGBTQ audience.

     So my friends, fasten your seatbelts!  Let’s get some TRUTH. 

  1. My family made me do it. Dworkin-McDaniel writes, “Blaming your issues on Mom, Dad, your siblings or the dog can get a little tired. But persistently picking Mr. Wrong (or Ms. Wright) does have a lot to do with your upbringing, therapists say.”  She cites life/relationship coach Lauren Mackler, author of “Solemate:  Master the Art of Aloneness and Transform Your Life,” who states, “’What happens in the family shapes how we see ourselves in the world, our core beliefs and our behaviors’.”
  1. I won’t find anyone better. Dworkin-McDaniel writes, “So he’s (she’s) boorish and overly critical.  Breaks dates.  Doesn’t call.  Plays head games.  Forgets your birthday.  But he’s (she’s) all yours.  Would it be any different with anyone else?”  Then she adds, “Blame this one, too, on a dysfunctional family dynamic.”  She cites clinical psychotherapist Pat Pearson, author of “Stop Self-Sabotage,” who states, “’If we don’t believe we deserve to have a good relationship, we settle for less than what we could have or truly want.  We compromise on our own integrity’.”
  1. I don’t want to be alone. “Then there’s the fear that you’ll end up a lonely spinster (or bachelor), so you hang on longer than you should out of a misguided sense of self-preservation,” writes Dworkin-McDaniel.  “’Fear of being alone is a huge factor that keeps people in bad relationships’,” states life/relationship coach Mackler.  “’The underlying message is that you’re not able to take care of yourself’.”
  1. He’ll change. That ain’t happenin.’  According to Dworkin-McDaniel.  “Don’t bet the farm on him (her) changing in any substantial way.  Improving hair and wardrobe is about the best you can do.  But serious character flaws?  Figure on living with ‘em…or leaving him (her).”  To emphasize this, she sites clinical psychologist Dennis F. Sugrue, Ph.D, who states, “’What you see is what you’re going to get.  If there is change, consider that to be a gift from heaven’.”  But then Sugrue adds, “’But don’t count on it’.”
  1. He needs me. “If ever there was a big enough ball to keep you chained to a loser, it’s this one.   We tell ourselves we’re indispensable. Or maybe you do have legitimate worries that if you split, he’d (she’d) gamble, drink, slide into depression or kill himself,” Dworkin-McDaniel writes.   “But what you call ‘love,’ therapists label as ‘co-dependency,’ ‘enabling’ or ‘emotional extortion’.”  To underline this, she cites Michele Sugg, a Connecticut certified sex therapist who states, “’It can be tough to move past the guilt and believe that he’ll (she’ll) make it, that you’re not his only lifeline’.”
  1. The sex is phenomenal!  Dworkin-McDaniel writes, “That hormonal surge of oxytocin that courses through your brain when you have mind-blowing sex is designed to bond you to your partner.  It’s emotional super-glue.  But this neurochemistry can backfire when we bond with the wrong guy (or girl).  To reinforce this point, she cites psychologist/certified sex therapist Stephanie Buehler, Psy.D of the Buehler Institute for sex therapy in Irvine, California, who states, “’Just because it was the best sex you ever had doesn’t mean that this is the best partner for you.”

     Quite enlightening, eh?  Well, get ready for Part Two of “Just Dump His/Her A**!”  This installment will answer the frustrating and burning question:  “Should I Stay—or Go?”

 

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