Tag Archives: relationship

From Date Night to that “First Night” to Every Night: Achieving Relationship Success 

      Quite a few years ago, I was on a first date with a rather “hawt” (hot) guy.  At the end, I offered, “We should get together again soon.”  Dryly, he answered, “Sure thing.”  

     However, I never heard from him again—although I left several voice mails.

     This was yet another in a succession of first dates—and a few seconds–that crashed and burned. And on hindsight, I realized I’d shown too little self-confidence and wanted too much to be liked.

     Therefore, I took a “dating sabbatical.”  During that time, I saw a therapist, read articles on dating and relationships, and analyzed similar mishaps my friends had experienced.   

     All of this led me to the critical realization that being respected is more important than being liked.   

     So after mixing these “ingredients” together, I created a winning formula—and began to have productive and enjoyable dating experiences!

     So, are you ready to go from “Date Night to that ‘First Night’ to Every Night: Achieving Relationship Success?”  Then, let’s roll!    

     Writer Jerry Plaza pointed out various dating mistakes one should never make.  The following are the ones to avoid at all costs: 

  1. “Trying to be likeable.”  Allow your kindness of spirit to shine on its own.       
  2. “Talking too much about your past relationships.”  That’s such a major turn-off.       
  3. “Making yourself too available.”  When you do this, you come across as needy.  Both you and the individual have separate lives that need attention.
  4. “Agreeing with everything he/she says.”  This leads to a lack of respect.  Don’t be anyone’s doormat.
  5. “Buying affection.”  Are you looking for a companion….or an escort?  If you pay for everything, you’re giving the individual carte blanche to walk all over you.  
  6. “Rewarding bad behavior.”  Just don’t do it!  You must clearly communicate that rude behavior is unacceptable–and simply won’t be tolerated.  You are someone of value.   
  7. “Playing the ‘boy/girlfriend’ too early.” This is a sure-fire way of making him/her “run for the hills.” 

     Along with that, make sure you do your “SOS” (Scoping-Out Scan).  When conducting SOS, you’re listening intently and evaluating body language.   Heed any warning signals.  

     Now, this leads to what I call “The Nasty Nine”–dating types you need to stay away from like the plague!  Some of them overlap.  They are: 

  1. The Drama Queen (DQ).  The whiner.  The complainer.  Something’s always going on with him/her.
  2. The Self-Absorbed (SA). It’s all about him/her—and always will be.   
  3. The Wishy-Washy (WW). Just what does he/she want:  monogamy?  An open relationship? Just “hit it and quit it?”
  4. The Gamester (GAME). He/she obfuscates, and twists reality.  It’s all about the hunt, and you’re the “catch of the day.”  
  5. The Baggage Carrier (BC). And I don’t mean the luggage rack!  He/she has serious internal issues, constantly talking about being hurt, yada yada yada.
  6. The Chasee (TC). He/she wants you to do all the pursuing.    
  7. The Worshipped/Serviced (WS). Bow to the shrine, which is his/her stunning looks and/or physique.  Bodybuilders tend to fall into this category.
  8. The Putter-Downer (PD). He/she needles, ridicules, and finds fault with your lifestyle–and your very essence.  “Why are you wearing THAT?”, “Why do you live THERE?” You should say, “Why don’t you get the hell away from me?”
  9. The User (TU). The Vulture.  The Shark.  Duplicitous.  Malicious.  Amoral.  

     Congrats!  You’ve been triumphant.  You have the relationship you want. 

     Now–how do you feed, grow…and keep it alive?  

     Well, allow me to present my essential “Six Commandments to Achieve Successful, Satisfying Relationships:” 

BLACK LOVE 7

  1. Each partner honestly, openly and effectively communicates with one another.  This leads to staying engaged in each other’s life. 
  2. Each partner manages conflict constructively. The key is “Right-Fighting:” being open to compromise, no fighting “below the belt.”    
  3. Each partner functions as part of a couple without losing his/her individuality.  Both of you had separate lives before coming together.  Strike that right balance.
  4. Have BIG fun together!  No explanation needed.
  5. Each partner does his/her part to maintain an energetic, vibrant and ultimately satisfying sex life.  Be adventurous, be kinky! 
  6. The mission of each partner must be to satisfy the needs of the other.  If not, the unsatisfied individual will seek gratification elsewhere.   Every day ask, “What can I do to make my partner’s life better?”

     Now, let’s say you’ve been a couple for a while, and you’re frustrated that the “Fiy-ah Factor”(desire and passion) has all but dissipated.  You’re worried that your relationship might die on the vine.

     What do you do?

     I’ve got the answer!  It’s the “Evans Edict,” my six-part plan to get your union back on the right track.  Ready?  Here goes:

(1)  Create a relationship ritual.  Set in stone a commitment of time to be together that’s non-negotiable.

(2) Be adventurous, be spontaneous.  Do something you both have never done as a couple—boxing, sky diving, etc.  “Do the do” at different times, in different places.

(3)  Talk that “nastee” (salaciously sexy) talk.  Leave salacious voicemails on your partner’s iPhone.  Tuck provocative notes inside the briefcase.  Devise a pet name (“Mr. Woody,” “Ms. Kitty Kat”) for your partner’s…well, you know.

(4)  Get “kin-kay” (kinky).  Together, visit your friendly sex store for…well, you know.

(5) Introduce role-play and fantasy.  Tonight, are you a fireman?  A French maid?

(6)  Have a “Quickie!”  Spontaneous sex reminds a couple they’re more than roommates.  It’s not the “full treatment,” but it’ll tide you over.    

     Always let your partner know that he/she is very much sexually attractive, desired…and needed.

     And most importantly, loved.  (Passionately! )

Just Dump His/Her A**!, Part Two

     Part One of “Just Dump His/Her A**!, Part One addressed reasons why you just can’t seem to dump the loser you’re dating.  Writer Norine Dworkin-McDaniel cleverly gave reasons why. 

     Now my friends, I present the second installment, which answers the question:  “Should you stay or go?”  According to Dworkin-McDaniel, “these steps can get you thinking—honestly—about the state of your union.”  They are as follows:

  1. Search your soul. Dworkin-McDaniel cites clinical psychologist Dennis F. Sugrue, PhD, who states you should ask yourself the following questions: 
    1. Do I really care about this person or has the relationship become habit?
    2. Is it easier to stay than make the effort to leave?
    3. Do I feel like he (she) really cares for me? Or am I doing all the heavy lifting?
    4. Would I be tempted to leave if someone else I’m attracted to was suddenly available and I could get out of my current relationship with no negative consequences, embarrassment, shame or explanations? Sugrue adds, “’If you’re thinking maybe, that should tell you something’.”
  1. Make a list. “Works with Christmas gifts and relationships,” states Dworkin-McDaniel.   She cites Michele Sugg, a certified sex therapist in Connecticut, who states, “’Figure out what works (and doesn’t) in your relationship.  That can help you determine what needs to change for the relationship to feel healthier for you’.” 

     The writer adds, “So make like Santa and check your list twice.  And talk it over with your guy (or gal).  Maybe he (she) didn’t realize that openly flirting with other women (or men) gets on your nerves.  It’s unlikely, but at least you’ve done due diligence before you walk out.”

  1. Get online. “If you don’t think you can do any better, click through some online dating sites.  You don’t even need to post a profile,” Dworkin-McDaniel writes.  “It’s the relationship equivalent of window-shopping.”
  1. Take a break. “Absence can make the heart grow fonder…or show you that you’re doing just fine without him,” states the writer.  She cites certified sex therapist and psychologist Stephanie Buehler, Psy.D, of the Buehler Institute for sex therapy in Irvine, California, who adds, “’Either way, you get some perspective’.”
  1. Hold off on hooking up. According to Dworkin-McDaniel, “No judgment here.  Casual, no-strings-attached sex definitely has its place.” However, she cites Sugg, who states, “’It’s important to look at what you’re trying to get when you’re hooking up’.”  Sugg adds that if you’re looking for that soul mate, hooking up is “’not the way you’re going to form lasting relationships’.”
  1. Do a reality check. “If you worry that ditching an unsatisfying relationship will leave you alone forever or possibly even destitute,” writes Dworkin-McDaniel, “take a deep breath and step back from the ledge.”  Therapists call this awfulizing or catastrophizing:  you are imagining the absolute worst-case scenario, and it’s quickly becoming a reality in your head.  The writer adds, “Do you really believe you’ll die without someone to take care of you?  What about those friends and family who love you?  And don’t you have your own money to pay those bills?”

     So, if you’re trying to decide whether to stay or go, really take these steps to heart—to put an end to continued heartbreak.

Just Dump His/Her A**!, Part One

     As you’re aware, I wear many hats:  Journalist (Huffington Post, Baltimore Gay Life, Wyattevans.com, Bilerico) , Author (“Nothing Can Tear Us Apart” series of novels), Talk Show Host (“The Wyatt O’Brian Evans Show”), Advocate/Motivational Speaker (LGBTQ Depression, Racism, Intimate Partner Violence/ Abuse), Voice-Over Instructor/Talent, Entertainer, and Lifestyle PersonalitySo many “hats,” not enough heads…LOL!

     As a Lifestyle Personality, I’ve researched and written extensively on a number of diverse topics, including: how to get what you really want and deserve out of life, and romance and relationships.  And currently, as a Lifestyle Personality, I’m completing a prestigious project for an iconic and storied publication!  Details upcoming.

    In this regard, I’m publishing my latest series on romance and relationships, an exclusive for Wyattevans.com.  It’s a Two-Partner entitled, “Just Dump His/Her A**!” 

     This series explores and explains the reasons why—no matter how hard you try— you just can’t seem to “kick to the curb” that loser with whom you’re involved!  In Part One, I’m clueing you in on the WHY

     Writer Norine Dworkin-McDaniel cleverly provides her six reasons–which I wholeheartedly endorse.  Like me, she digs deep inside the psyche, to uncover why we really do what we do.  Although Dworkin-McDaniel wrote her article with heterosexual females expressly in mind, it’s totally applicable to and strongly resonates with the LGBTQ audience.

     So my friends, fasten your seatbelts!  Let’s get some TRUTH. 

  1. My family made me do it. Dworkin-McDaniel writes, “Blaming your issues on Mom, Dad, your siblings or the dog can get a little tired. But persistently picking Mr. Wrong (or Ms. Wright) does have a lot to do with your upbringing, therapists say.”  She cites life/relationship coach Lauren Mackler, author of “Solemate:  Master the Art of Aloneness and Transform Your Life,” who states, “’What happens in the family shapes how we see ourselves in the world, our core beliefs and our behaviors’.”
  1. I won’t find anyone better. Dworkin-McDaniel writes, “So he’s (she’s) boorish and overly critical.  Breaks dates.  Doesn’t call.  Plays head games.  Forgets your birthday.  But he’s (she’s) all yours.  Would it be any different with anyone else?”  Then she adds, “Blame this one, too, on a dysfunctional family dynamic.”  She cites clinical psychotherapist Pat Pearson, author of “Stop Self-Sabotage,” who states, “’If we don’t believe we deserve to have a good relationship, we settle for less than what we could have or truly want.  We compromise on our own integrity’.”
  1. I don’t want to be alone. “Then there’s the fear that you’ll end up a lonely spinster (or bachelor), so you hang on longer than you should out of a misguided sense of self-preservation,” writes Dworkin-McDaniel.  “’Fear of being alone is a huge factor that keeps people in bad relationships’,” states life/relationship coach Mackler.  “’The underlying message is that you’re not able to take care of yourself’.”
  1. He’ll change. That ain’t happenin.’  According to Dworkin-McDaniel.  “Don’t bet the farm on him (her) changing in any substantial way.  Improving hair and wardrobe is about the best you can do.  But serious character flaws?  Figure on living with ‘em…or leaving him (her).”  To emphasize this, she sites clinical psychologist Dennis F. Sugrue, Ph.D, who states, “’What you see is what you’re going to get.  If there is change, consider that to be a gift from heaven’.”  But then Sugrue adds, “’But don’t count on it’.”
  1. He needs me. “If ever there was a big enough ball to keep you chained to a loser, it’s this one.   We tell ourselves we’re indispensable. Or maybe you do have legitimate worries that if you split, he’d (she’d) gamble, drink, slide into depression or kill himself,” Dworkin-McDaniel writes.   “But what you call ‘love,’ therapists label as ‘co-dependency,’ ‘enabling’ or ‘emotional extortion’.”  To underline this, she cites Michele Sugg, a Connecticut certified sex therapist who states, “’It can be tough to move past the guilt and believe that he’ll (she’ll) make it, that you’re not his only lifeline’.”
  1. The sex is phenomenal!  Dworkin-McDaniel writes, “That hormonal surge of oxytocin that courses through your brain when you have mind-blowing sex is designed to bond you to your partner.  It’s emotional super-glue.  But this neurochemistry can backfire when we bond with the wrong guy (or girl).  To reinforce this point, she cites psychologist/certified sex therapist Stephanie Buehler, Psy.D of the Buehler Institute for sex therapy in Irvine, California, who states, “’Just because it was the best sex you ever had doesn’t mean that this is the best partner for you.”

     Quite enlightening, eh?  Well, get ready for Part Two of “Just Dump His/Her A**!”  This installment will answer the frustrating and burning question:  “Should I Stay—or Go?”

 

Attachments

Intergenerational couple

“The Daddy/Sir Playbook”: 4 Younger Guys

     A little more than a week ago—I’m sure you recall–I wrote a Wyattevans.com exclusive entitled, The “Sugah Daddy’s” Playbook (or Sumthin’ Like Dat), based on a recent Queerty article on intergenerational dating.  That article gave tips on “being the best daddy for your boy.”    

     Well, guess what?  You readers made The “Sugah Daddy’s” Playbook one of the most popular Wyattevans.com articles—and one of the most talked about!  And I thank you for that. 

     As a result, I swore I’d flip the script by sharing Queerty’s “Six Pro Tips for Being a Good Daddy’s Boy” as soon as it was released.  And to flesh out that media outlet’s piece and give it fuller meaning, I promised I’d provide analysis and commentary.

     But before I do that, let’s review exactly what intergenerational dating is.  It’s dating outside your age group.  Generally, it’s at least a 10-year difference between couples.

     Keep in mind that intergenerational dating and relationships have always existed.  However, according to “Are Intergenerational Gay Couples a New Trend in Dating,” a Bilerico.com article from last year, these relationships “…do seem to be more common these days.  One reason might be the shift towards more conservative, traditional views of couplehood.  Now that we can get married in so many states, now that we can adopt children, now that we can bear children on our own, gay males are without question settling into more stable ways of dating, expressing our love, and getting into relationships.”

     The media outlet added, “There is a great hunger on the part of many gay men to be in stable, loving relationships and this just might be a driving force behind the possible rise in intergenerational couples.”

     Now, to my analysis/commentary.  As I mentioned in The “Sugah Daddy’s” Playbook, I take umbrage to the use of the word “boy.”  Younger partner/guy/man is more appropriate.  

     As well, too much subservience and neediness are ascribed to the younger partner for my taste.  For instance, I know a few intergenerational couples in which the younger man is the more emotionally evolved/secure.  The more dominant.  The more financially secure. 

    However I agree with the publication’s assertion that younger guys have “figured out something that most gays take decades to realize: experience is sexy, and smart older guys can teach you things you never knew you never knew.”

     And this is very important:  you’ll see that actually, BOTH the younger and the older man need to take these tips, pointers, guidelines to heart.

     So, in conclusion:  I found that the tips for being “a good daddy’s boy” resonated more–and were more relevant–than those for “being the best daddy for your boy.”  However, you be the judge.

     Now, here are those tips—right outta Queerty’s mouth!  Listen:  as I said before, if you don’t like the info, don’t shoot me!  I’m simply the messenger.  (LOL.)  However, do feel free to give Yours Truly your feedback.

     [To Note:  the accompanying photo is of UMass NCAA B-Baller Derrick Gordon (right) and actor-screenwriter Gerald McCullouch—an openly gay intergenerational.] 

  • Be honest. What are your intentions?  What do you want out of this relationship?  Be up-front and honest at the start of the relationship.  That way you can both make sure you’re on the same page.  Maybe one of you is looking for a fling while the other wants to settle down—well, you’d better make sure that’s clear before things get too far.  Intergenerational relationships are particularly prone to mismatched expectations, so you’re better off clearing the air from the start.  (And remember: expectations can change over time, so a periodic check-in is advisable.)
  • No more games. Older guys have learned the value of being direct and honoring their word.  They’re far less likely than your flakey young friends to play mind games or manipulate, and they’ll respect you if you follow through on your commitments.  Being considerate is the key.
  • Think like a daddy. If you’re looking for a daddy, go where daddies go. (‘Nuff said.)
  • He deserves your respect. Being young doesn’t make you special, so don’t think that your pretty soft skin makes you more important than he is.  A successful intergenerational couple enjoys mutual respect, even if he can’t figure out how to program his DVR.  Don’t make the mistake of thinking that he needs you more than you need him.  And don’t think that just because he’s more financially successful than you are, you’re entitled to his cash.  Let him decide whether he’s going to treat you to dinner.  Acknowledge it when he does something nice.  And if you can’t match him, dollar for dollar, you can still do nice things for him that don’t cost money.
  • It’s OK to be you. Being the younger guy can sometimes feel a little marginalizing.  His advanced knowledge, success and poise might discourage you, or make you feel stupid and small.  But hey, you have nothing to apologize for.  It’s OK that you’re still young.  So don’t think of your youth and inexperience as a liability.  Don’t deprive yourself of doing young-person things, watching young-person shows, and hanging out with your young friends.  Remember, those are the very things that attracted him to you in the first place.  If he wants to cut you off from your life and isolate you,
  • Let him surprise you. You might have a lot of pre-conceived ideas about what a daddy is.  And to be fair, a lot of those stereotypes are true:  older guys are often more genteel, worldlier, and more in-control.  But they’re also full of surprises, and you might discover that your daddy can be as silly and playful as your 20-year-old friends.  He might even—gasp—be a bottom.  Don’t assume anything.  Ask him what he likes.
  • Don’t let him take advantage. Sometimes, it’s hard to define the boundary between a fun power play and an unhealthy relationship.  If your daddy is asking too much of you, taking more control over your life than you want him to, or being condescending, let him know.  Remember, you should be in a relationship because it makes you both happy—not just to make him

     So you guys, both younger and older, and older and younger—shake  yo’ groove thang (Oh, Lawd!  Am I dating myself…that is, as in the age department?), and go on and git busy, with yo’ baddddd selves!  LOL.

3 Gay Males naked in a bathtub. There is lots of suds

Having Your (Sexual) Cake And Eating It, Too?

    Picture this:  you’re in a committed relationship. 

     But for whatever reason, both you and your partner decide to invite another man into your bed.  You both say to each other, “Now, this is only a one-time ‘thang!’  We’re just doing this to add some spice, to shake things up a bit.  This will make our union that much stronger!”     

     So you and your partner “go for it!”  As a result, you (probably) have the most mind-blowin’ sex of your lives!   And at the same time—and so unexpectedly–you immediately begin to emotionally connect with “Mr. Third.”  

     Now remember:  you both agreed that this would be a one-time thang ONLY, right?  Well, au contraire!  It happens again and again, gets “hawter and hawter”—and as importantly (and maybe more so), the emotional connection continues to intensify.       

     This also leads to the three of you enjoying each other’s company outside the bedroom.  And then, guess what?  Before you know it, you’ve become a thruple!  The “end game?”  The three of you living together. 

     The technical, popular term for this type of relationship is polyamory.  And you might say that New York City’s Franco DiLuzio (46), Mark Lander (42) and Vinny Vega (25) are the poster boys for this lifestyle. 

     After five years of being a couple, Franco and Mark got married.  But two months after the wedding, “everything changed for the happily-married couple.” 

     According to “How to Make a Male Polyamorous Relationship Work,” written by Nilo Tabrizy and Suvro Banerji for the March 26, 2012 issue of Out magazine, “After a few chats online via a male dating site, Franco met Vinny Vega, a 24-year-old fashion photography studentWhat went from a casual hookup turned into a serious, closed polyamorous relationship.  Franco, Mark and Vinny have been together for two years. 

     “While this relationship works for the three of them, there have been critics along the way.  Lander admits that most people have a negative opinion about them.” 

     And according to DiLuzio, “’I find that gay men have the most problem with it’.  But for DiLuzio, he doesn’t think that Vega was brought into his relationship with Lander because something was missing.  ‘I still believe that Mark and I have a strong relationship.  And bringing Vinny in was an addition to the relationship’.” 

     Lander certainly is correct about polyamory having its detractors.  For example, according to Ramon Johnson, gay lifestyle blogger for About.com Gay Life, this type of relationship takes three times the work.  And as we know, non-monogamy requires a great deal of emotional work.  

     “Multiple-person relationships take punctilious effort because there are too many variables,” states Johnson. “Once the triangle is broken, the entire structure collapses:  you may end up with the third guy; the third guy may end up with your bf; none of you may end up with each other.”  

     However, I’m sure that Franco, Mark and Vinny would take umbrage to Johnson’s view on polyamory (Me too!  Well, sometimes.  Then again…oh well.)  Therefore, I want to give you “thruple enthusiasts” encouragement.  

    The article, “How to Have Your Cake and Eat It Too:  5 Things that Make Polyamorous Relationships Work,” lays out ways to help develop a successful triad:

  • Both people have to really want it.  “Both partners have to be invested in the process and the experience.  Being in a poly relationship requires ongoing conversation and acknowledgement that feelings are fluid and changeable.”
  • Accept that difficult feelings will come up.  “Individuals succeed in poly relationships when they accept that dealing with feelings like jealousy, insecurity, fear, hurt and anger may be part of the process.”
  • Communicate beyond your wildest imagination.  “If you’re a poor communicator, I urge you now to retreat to monogamy.”
  • Come from a family that made you feel loved and secure.  “This fundamentally critical experience can help a person navigate poly relationships.”
  • Get support from people who can affirm your relationship choices.  “Just like coming out as gay, lesbian or bisexual, poly people need to seek out others both in and out of the poly community who support and understand their choices.” 

     So there you have it.  Perhaps this way of “having your cake and eating it, too” can work for you!  However, think long and hard before making the all-important and critical decision to do so.