Tag Archives: TANCREDO

Tancredo Wedding

A WYATTEVANS.COM Exclusive: Tancredo & Jeff: “Love & Happiness!”

News flash, Y’all! Tancredo Buff—the perennially popular and sizzling adult entertainer (CALIENTE!!!)–and his partner Jeff, the payroll coordinator/accountant for a large and renowned art gallery in Buffalo, New York, recently tied the knot in an intimate ceremony!

  The couple graciously consented to give the exclusive interview to WYATTEVANS.COM! So Y’all: let’s “git tha 411!”

     WYATT: Tancredo and Jeff, thanks so much for giving WYATTEVANS.COM the exclusive scoop!

     TANCREDO & JEFF: It’s our pleasure, Wyatt.

     WYATT: Just when did the nuptials take place?

     TANCREDO & JEFF: On last December 1.

     WYATT: How nice! A Holiday affair.

   TANCREDO: Yes. We decided to do a simple ceremony as part of our annual Christmas party, in our residence. The ceremony was officiated in front of our Christmas tree.

     WYATT: And so dang festive! Do describe the ceremony for our readers.

     TANCREDO: We had been planning this for a couple months. We decided that the best way to do the ceremony when most of our closest friends could be present was as part of our Christmas party. Fortunately, one of Jeff’s friends is a former co-worker whose husband is a county court judge and we asked if he would officiate at the ceremony. He gladly accepted! The next step was to make sure everything was a surprise for as many of our guests as possible. We just mentioned to a couple of people to make sure they would be able to join us. However, there are details I am going let Jeff tell.

     JEFF: The two friends we chose as our witnesses were my boss of 15 years and our dear friend Jim, who owns a floral shop. Several years ago, when New York State passed its Marriage Bill, my boss had asked for the honor of ‘giving me away’ if my partner and I ever decided to get married. She practically jumped over her desk when I asked at the end of October if she still wanted to do it. When we asked Jim, he offered to do ‘special flowers’ and provide our wedding cake as his presents. During my years at the gallery, Luis (Tancredo’s real name) and I have developed a reputation for wearing matching outfits on special occasions. I found matching red velvet jackets, which we wore with matching shirts and black slacks.

     JEFF (continues): However, since the person who was making the cake had to come and set it up BEFORE the guests started arriving, the “element of surprise” had been compromised; but due to the layout of our apartment, and the HUGE floral centerpiece provided by our friend Jim, most of the guests didn’t even notice that the cake, which was decorated with poinsettia leaves and garland, had a topper of two men standing atop the words “Mr & Mr.” It also helped that the people who had been told in advance were all there early to help everything get set up.

     WYATT: Dang! And the plot thickens…!

     JEFF: About 7 PM, I decided that everyone who was going to show up was there, so I told Judge Case to go put his robe on, and Luis and I donned our matching Santa hats. I called for the attention of our guests. I reminded everyone that in our online invitation, I had written that this year there would be a special surprise for everyone. The surprise was that they had all been asked to be present for our wedding vows!

     JEFF (continues): Cheering and applause erupted… We took our places with Judge Case in front of the brightly lit Christmas tree and exchanged our vows! We then gave each other the custom-made wedding rings (that we had helped design) made by another dear friend who is a renowned local artisan. It was a magical evening!

     WYATT: I can tell! Now guys, let’s rewind. Let’s go back in time. When did you first meet?

     TANCREDO: We met on November 4, 2002, about two weeks after I arrived in Buffalo. We started living together in July of 2003.

     JEFF: We spent most of the time from November to June sleeping together at my apartment, except when my sons were visiting. When I took Tancredo to Pride in Toronto at the end of June 2003, I asked him then and there if he would move in with me.

Jeff at PRIDE

     WYATT: I see. Okay, now tell us about the how. And, what was the first thing that caught your eye about the other?

     TANCREDO: I was responding to my messages and received one from a person on a dating website (that no longer exists) that I forgot I had a profile there. I didn’t remember the password, so I requested it in order to access the message. I did, and it happened to be somebody in Puerto Rico that wanted to meet me.

     TANCREDO (continues): I replied that I was no longer living on the island; and after that, my curiosity led me to see who was around my new area. The first profile I saw was Jeff’s. He caught my attention in an instant, and I decided to send a message. I’ll let Jeff take it from here because the story gets very interesting!

     JEFF: On the first anniversary of 9/11, my computer was infected with what became known as the “World Trade Center Virus.’ It took me almost a month to get it cleaned up and restore my basic programs and functionality. Once I did that, I started restoring my dating profiles. One evening after work, I was going through my emails, and there was one telling me that I had a message from someone on a site I had totally forgotten about!

     JEFF (continues): I restored my access to that site and read a message from a handsome Puerto Rican man who had recently moved to Buffalo from the Island. Other than those gorgeous deep brown eyes…well, let’s just say that I was very intrigued by/attracted to this man’s physical assets. After exchanging messages for a few days, we talked on the phone and agreed to meet for dinner on the evening of November 4, 2002, at one of my favorite local restaurants. When he walked in the door, he was even more handsome in person than in his pictures!

     WYATT: Whoa! What was the courtship like?

     TANCREDO: For me, it continues to be a total experience!. Jeff loves details and being very sweet. We like to hold hands, talk sometimes and say “I love you,” even by text. In the tough times, we have stood together.

     JEFF: In my dating website profiles, I used the following phrase: “I hope to find a man who knows the difference between having sex and making love–and when each is appropriate.” With both of us being on very tight budgets, a lot of those early months were spent taking him to all the fascinating (and mostly FREE) things/places/events to see and do around Western NY.

     WYATT: Now, here’s a triple-barreled Q! How long did it take for you to fall in love with one another? How did you know it was love? What specific situation/special moment made you say, “Hey! He’s the one?”

Tancredo & Jeff Wedding

     TANCREDO: There have been different moments; but when cry together, keep view of each other when we have been sick when we argue, and in particular when we say, “I’m sorry” and look at each other faces, that is when I was sure he was the one.

     JEFF: On our very first evening together, we ended up at my apartment. I was showing him pictures of my sons and me that were taken on a trip to NYC in August of 2001, three weeks before 9/11. There was a pause in the conversation at one point, and he looked into my eyes, leaned over slightly (he’s nearly two inches taller than me)–and kissed me. Gently at first, then sensing my response, more passionately. We ended up in my bedroom, where he showed me that he indeed knew the difference between having sex and making love…some time in those first few dates… I fell in love. To this day, when he looks into my eyes that way’… it brings back that first night…and I know all over again how much I am loved. And how much I love him.

     WYATT: Has either of you been in a committed relationship with another before?

     JEFF: I was married to a woman for 20 years before I came out in 1997, and have two wonderful adult sons in their early ‘30’s. I was also in another committed relationship with a man from Spring 1998 to Autumn 2001.

     TANCREDO: I have never been married; though I was in love with a girl in high school. Then later in life, I had three formal relationships, the longest having lasted six years.

     WYATT: What specific situation or special moment prompted you to tie the knot?

     JEFF: I have to admit, it was the sudden death of my ex-wife at the end of that September that was the initial catalyst. With that tragic event came a feeling of release that I had never expected to have, even though our divorce had been finalized for over ten years. But also with it came the realization that I wanted to protect and provide for the man I had spent the last 16 years making a life with. And…to be totally honest, being a “numbers guy,” once I did the math, I realized that it was finally a good thing to do from a financial standpoint as well, because of the changes in the tax laws.

     TANCREDO: I have always dreamed of this moment that I once thought was slipping away. When we walked that evening and he told me about it I said: “it’s time.”

     WYATT: AWww, Sukie Sukie now! Okay—who proposed…and how?

     TANCREDO: Actually, we both did on different occasions. I remember telling him that I wanted to marry him shortly after we started our relationship, but we never thought that same-sex marriage would be legal at that time. We changed our Facebook status to engaged once same sex marriage was legal in the State of New York. But who made the final proposal was Jeff while we were walking our roommate’s dog in a stretch of park near our house.

     JEFF: As we were walking, I told Luis about how I finally felt “released” from my wedding vows of so long ago, and now that I was truly free–not only legally, but emotionally—I asked if he would still want to marry me. I told him that I wanted to marry him before the current federal administration tried to take the right away from us. 

    WYATT: Profound stuff! Let’s continue this thread.

     TANCREDO: These are times when you must secure your well-being and the one you love. Marriage has turned into not only an expression of love and fidelity but a way to validate your relationship and protect it in case something happens. In the past, I have seen friends losing everything thanks to the non-recognition of their relationships.

     JEFF: My feelings precisely! As the one whose lifetime earnings have been higher, if I die before Luis, he can now collect Social Security Survivor benefits based on my earnings, which would get him more than his own earnings to date would. I no longer have to worry about having the “who gets what” of every single thing I own spelled out to protect him from losing them. Not that my sons would ever try to do so, but until I execute my will, before our marriage, my sons would have automatically inherited everything–except the funds in my retirement savings plan, which Luis has always been the beneficiary of. Going forward, it now becomes the opposite. I now must specify which things I want my sons to inherit.    

      WYATT: Is marriage strengthening your relationship, intensifying your bond? If so, how?

     TANCREDO: Wyatt, I was asking myself that question not long ago and found myself smiling! I feel like having his last name makes both our lives that much stronger.

     JEFF: As I look down at the wedding ring on my finger, I know that in all the world, there is only one other like it. Those rings are the symbol of our special, our “custom-designed” bond.

     WYATT: Aight, let’s shift gears. Jeff, when did you first know Tancredo was an adult entertainer? How did you handle it? Has it impacted the relationship in any way?

   JEFF: Actually… I had done my own adult film before we met, which he has watched with me. We’ve even played as a couple with one of the other men who was in it with me. It was no shock, but I was very concerned about his ability to handle the rejection that can happen until one finds one’s niche. There have been times when I’ve asked him to reenact some of his scenes… and I think that his performing has make him a more confident lover.

     WYATT: Jeff, does Tancredo’s porn career “spice up” your sex lives? Does it make your relationship stronger? If so, how? As they say, “inquiring minds…”

     JEFF: As I stated earlier, there have been times when I have asked him to recreate his scenes with me… it also makes us both more confident that when we do have playful company, it is indeed only play. Love is so much more than sex…

     WYATT: Tancredo, would you like to chime in?

     TANCREDO: Well, we had spiced up our relationship long before I started doing scenes; but I have to say that it has made me feel more conscious about sex– and how to not abuse it.

     WYATT: Let’s move into another area, if we may. Any challenges being in an interracial relationship?

     TANCREDO: Not as much as I thought. I came from an interracial family but people here in the States overthink whom you have relationships with. That’s sad.

     WYATT: Tancredo, I copy that.

     JEFF: I am bi-racial myself (Caucasian and Native American). I have never had any qualms about having interracial partners. In fact, over the years, many people have told me how lucky I am to have found such a handsome, loving man as my papi! My most exciting lovers have always been of a different race than me.

     WYATT: Hey, I’ve gotta ask this: what’s your partner’s three most endearing qualities? And why?

     TANCREDO: His perseverance, knowledge, and sense of humor because they practically match with who I am.

Tancredo & Jeff pose at their wedding

     JEFF: His gentle nature – it can be like soothing music at the end of a difficult day, or during stressful times. His sense of humor–indeed, as he says, it’s a match with mine! And, his sexuality…watch him in action! Need I say more?

     WYATT: Well, all I can say is: “Grrrrrrr…WOOOFFFFFFFF!”

     WYATT (continues): Anyway…Tancredo, would you change anything about Jeff? Does he, like, have any annoying habits?

     TANCREDO: I have lived with Jeff more than a decade, so I’ve gotten used to many things. I wouldn’t consider changing anything because that would be controlling; and when/where there is love, there is acceptance.

     WYATT: Jeff, same Q for you.

     JEFF: He’s being far too kind – I can be an absolutely anal-retentive control freak, and sometimes I need to be called out about it, which he does.

     JEFF (continues): I think the one thing that I would change would be to see him be more aggressive in our love-making…and not always wait for me to make the first move!

     WYATT: Guys, has marriage changed the dynamics of your relationship in any way?

     TANCREDO & JEFF: It’s much too early to tell! We’re still trying to figure out what we have to do to get our names changed on Social Security cards, bank accounts, driver’s licenses, etc. Ask us again on our first wedding anniversary…

     WYATT: You got it! Tancredo, career-wise, what’s on tap for the rest of 2019?

     TANCREDO: My first appearance will be at the Ravens Eden Awards in April. It’s the first time these awards will have a ceremony. I am nominated in several categories including Best Versatile Actor. There are conversations for shootings during the year, but nothing confirmed at this moment. All my fans will be the first to know!

     WYATT: Good luck at the awards, my friend! We’re rootin’ for ya!

     WYATT (continues): Tancredo, how can we follow, connect with you?

     TANCREDO: Sure! You can follow me on Facebook and Twitter. And, you can write to me at tancredobuff@live.com.

     WYATT: Tancredo and Jeff, thanks so much for sitting down with WYATTEVANS.COM! I wish you much “Love and Happiness!” Lawd, I’m sounding like Al Green, the pop and soul icon!

     TANCREDO & JEFF: Yes, you are! And Wyatt, we are glad to be a part of WYATTEVANS.COM!

Tancredo Buff: Shining the Light on IPV/A

     Every October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month (DWAM).  It evolved from the “Day of Unity” held in October 1981 and conceived by the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV).  In recognition of DVAM, Wyattevans.com has been presenting a very special series of articles and features throughout this month. 

     Within the LGBTQ community, domestic violence and abuse is referred to as Intimate Partner Violence and Abuse (IPV/A).  This atrocious cycle of behavior is such a critical societal issue because it is more pervasive and frequent than was once believed.  And, stigma is key in keeping IPV/A cloaked and enshrouded in darkness. 

     As a journalist and advocate, I have listened to the horrific and heartbreaking personal stories of IPV/A victims and survivors.  And because Intimate Partner Violence and Abuse can be so taboo in the LGBTQ community, I felt that it would be more palatable–and not such a “bitter pill to swallow”–if it were addressed in the form of a work of fiction.  That’s why as an author, I pen the popular and well-received “Nothing Can Tear Us Apart” series of novels, which has IPV/A as its overarching theme.  “FRENZY!” is the latest installment in the series.  

     In my national workshops and seminars, I emphasize the following important takeaway:  Anyone—and I do mean ANYONE—regardless of size, strength, age, sexual orientation, race/ethnicity and/or income, can become a victim of IPV/A.   

    This horrendous and vicious pattern of behavior happened to Mr. Tancredo Buff.  In my exclusive interview with the popular gay adult entertainer and activist, he opens up and bares his soul about his harrowing experience with IPV/A.

     WYATT:  Tancredo, welcome to Wyattevans.com!  I can’t thank you enough for being part of the month-long recognition of Domestic Violence Awareness Month.

     TANCREDO:  I’m very happy to do it, Wyatt.

     WYATT:  So, let’s get started.  Just how old were you when you first became a victim of Intimate Partner Violence and Abuse (IPV/A)?  

     TANCREDO:  I was 32, and 6’2” with a slim build.

     WYATT:  And your abuser?

     TANCREDO:  He was 28, 5’11”, with a stocky build.

     WYATT:  Tancredo, if you would, take us through your experience.

Intimate Partner Violence and Abuse

     TANCREDO:  Sure.  He and I met one night when my friends invited me to go out.  At the time, I had been separated from my partner of six years, and recently finished an on and off relationship with a very insecure individual. 

     In the beginning, everything was cool.  He called me every day to make sure I was doing fine.  Sometimes he stopped by my work with lunch.   Sometimes, he even showed up at 6 AM to my house with a bouquet of flowers.  He was sweet and always said, “I love you.” 

     However, things started to change when we moved in together.  Every time he had   a bad day at work and when things were not done his way, he started shouting at and belittling me.  I tried to comfort him, but sometimes that made things worse.

     And, he was so uncooperative!  He’d drink away his share of the rent money.

     I remembered one time I was asking him about something, and he replied, “Shut up!”  One night, as guests were leaving, an argument erupted between us.  I ended up out in the street with just my pants on and no shoes, and no wallet.  He locked me out of the house until past Noon the next day. 

     From that moment on, the love began to slip away, and my desperation to get out was increasing.  He always was looking to be forgiven, and I was weak because I thought I was in love with him. 

     Little did I know that I was being codependent?  You see, I gave him all my control.  I felt trapped!  Many arguments occurred. 

     There was another time when he tried to repeat the lock-out; but this time, it didn’t happen.  I slept on the couch instead of in the bed with him.  We didn’t speak for several days. Finally, he apologized.   

     WYATT:  The most telling sign of IPV/A is fear of your partner, that you feel you have to “walk on eggshells” around him.  Did you experience that?  If so, how did that make you feel?

     TANCREDO:  I can relate to that.  He made me feel like a nobody!  Everything was about him and how “famous” he was in town because of his political involvement.  I’d lost myself; one time, a friend said something to that effect.

     WYATT:  You know, abusers employ a variety of methods and schemes to manipulate you and wield their power, which include:  Dominance, Humiliation, Isolation, Intimidation, and Threats.  Which of these did you experience?

     TANCREDO:  Dominance and Intimidation were the order in my house.  He made sure that everybody recognized him as the head of the house and that I was just a shadow.  He was a master of verbal abuse.  Once, he tried to hit me; but  when he saw I was going to strike back, he stopped.

     WYATT:  Whoa.  Tancredo, oftentimes an abuser uses sex as a ploy to keep  the victim in the relationship.  Did that happen with you? 

     TANCREDO:  What he did do was force me to have sex.  I had to be his bottom.

     WYATT:  There are three types of IPV/A:  physical, emotional, and mental.  Did you experience all three?  Can you break it down in percentages?

     TANCREDO:  I would say 1% physical, 50 % emotional, and 49 % mental.

     WYATT:  Tancredo, what was the “last straw” that pushed you to make your Great Escape, the phrase I’ve coined for my national IPV/A workshops and seminars?

     TANCREDO:  It was something that happened one week before a planned business trip.  As I was on the talking to a friend on the phone, my partner was in a horrible mood. Suddenly, he marched up to me, grabbed my left hand and snatched off a ring that he’d given me for my birthday.  

     Next, he closed the bedroom door and prevented me from going to my bed.  I’d had enough.  So, I called a friend to arrange to stay with him until I found my own space.  I packed up my belongings and locked them in a room. 

     He broke the lock and took my bed and several of my things.  For a year, I was without a bed—but I didn’t care.  I got the hell out and didn’t look back.

     Now, there’s a part two to the saga.  A year later, he tried to reconcile.   Because I wanted to move again, I accepted his invitation to stay; but only with the guarantee that we would never get into another relationship. 

     However, he thought that because I’d moved in with him, we were actually in a relationship.  When he finally realized that that was not the case, he asked me to leave. 

     So, I packed up and moved to another space.  And after that, I emigrated from Puerto Rico to the U.S.

     WYATT:  Tancredo, too many people still believe that Intimate Partner Violence and Abuse is really not that important, and have the mentality that “boys will be boys.”  What’s your take on this?

     TANCREDO:  They are misguided.  If they experienced what I and many others have, they wouldn’t think that way.

     WYATT:  In order to make your Great Escape, you must truly understand that you deserve help, you need it, and that you can find it.  And, it’s important to remember that it’s the abuser who caused you to feel this way and that it’s his/her behavior that’s criminal and unacceptable—not yours.  Your thoughts?

     TANCREDO:  In part, I feel guilty for having allowed it. I did not fully value myself during the relationship, and somehow should have stopped the pattern of abuse from the beginning. 

     However, I was lucky to not allow it escalate further like other personal stories I have heard.

     WYATT:  Tancredo, what is the most important, the most critical thing a victim needs to do to escape the abusive situation?

     TANCREDO.  Telling someone is most important.  Silence is the most effective weapon the abuser uses against you.  

      WYATT:  Did you undergo psychological counseling/therapy to accelerate your healing process? 

     TANCREDO:  Eventually, I did.  But most of the healing came from within myself, and from the support of friends.

     WYATT:  What lessons have you learned from your IPV/A experience? 

     TANCREDO:  I learned that if you don’t value yourself, there is no way you’ll have a healthy and successful relationship.

     WYATT:  Tancredo, what words of inspiration can you give victims still trapped in these abusive relationships?

     TANCREDO:  Love yourself, grow yourself…and get outtttt! 

     WYATT:  Mr. Buff, thank you for an empowering chat.

     TANCREDO:  It was my pleasure, Wyatt.

 

     I have made it my ongoing–and fervent–mission to continue to shine a bright light on this demoralizing, horrific, and potentially life-threatening cycle of abusive behavior.  We must Rise Up…And Tell!  Someone.  Anyone Who Will Listen. We must make our “Great Escape.”

     And, always remember:  the most powerful weapon the abuser has in his/her arsenal is…SILENCE.  

    If you or someone you know is experiencing IPV/A, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) or the Gay Men’s Domestic Violence Project Hotline (1-800-832-1901).   You can reach Mr. Buff at tancredobuff@live.com.

    I have a special IPV/A section right here at Wyattevans.com that lists resources to assist victims.  Visit:  http://wyattevans.com/lgbtq-domestic-violenceabuse-making-your-great-escape/ 

     The time is NOW to break the cycle!