Tag Archives: couples

Historian Gay - vintage image of 2 gay men from the world war II era

Recapturing The ‘Hawtness’ (The HEAT!)

     As you may know, I write an exclusive column, “The Chocolate Romantic,”  for ALL BEAR magazine–the popular Gay on line and print publication originating from the United Kingdom (U.K.).  Visit:  www.all-bear.co.uk/ I’ve dubbed ALL BEAR “The Playboy of the U.K!” 

     I decided to sift through my many The Chocolate Romantic columns to find one appropriate for two good buddies of mine—Craig and Kain–who found that their relationship was becoming a bit “stale and staid.”  

     Uh, oh!  That’s a (freakin’) NO-NO.  

     So, I slipped each of them one of those columns entitled, “Recapturing The ‘Hawtness’ (The HEAT!)”  And, yo:  aren’t Y’all lucky, ‘cause I’m also sharing it with you!  

     So, let’s jump in…and marinate.  (LOL!)  Here goes…   

     You think like each other, you finish each other’s sentences, you feel awesomely connected to one another.  

     Though lately, you and your partner’s (or maybe you and your regular sex buddy’s) routine seems “booor-inggggg” (boring).  Dang!  So, how do you recapture the passion?  

     Well, have no fear:  your relationship expert—namely me, The Chocolate Romantic, is on the case!  I’ll tell ya how to do just that.  First though, let’s find out why a couple’s passion fades.  

     You see, when you first fall for a guy, your brain is flooded with arousal hormones—specifically dopamine and norepinephrine.    

     Then you slide into the “couple comfort zone,” where your lives are in sync.   

     However, as couples settle down, those feel-good chems dissipate.  “If you stayed in that state of infatuation, (the feelings would) lead to distractibility, sleep deprivation and lack of drive in other important areas of your life,” states Scott Haltzman, M.D., author and Brown University psychiatrist.  “So, the body corrects itself and focuses on things like survival.”  

     In other words, cooling passion is nature’s way of making sure that you go to work, pay your bills…and eat.  

     Admittedly, that’s all well and good.  But, who wouldn’t want to get back some of that new-relationship “hawtness” (heat)? 

     But guess what?  The Chocolate Romantic presents five sure-fire ways to reclaim that fire.   

1.     Scale the highest mountain, grab hands, share a sloppy and tongue-filled smooch, and then freakin’ JUMP!  (And right before you leap, promise you’ll bang the hell outta each other after you land.)  Well, maybe you shouldn’t do something this extreme; however, the point I’m making is to do something exciting and new.  According to author Terri Orbuch, PhD (aka “The Love Doctor”), “You’re constantly learning about your partner and doing new things together.  Novelty fuels passion.”  Even if you’ve been a couple for many years, simply doing something fresh together can once again reignite those early-relationship sparks…and in a big way!  The couples that are happiest together are those that do exciting new stuff. 

2.     Create a “relationship ritual”—and set it in stone.  This is a non-negotiable commitment to get together, and without fail.  This is sacred couple time that shouldn’t get preempted by working late, extended family matters—or an unresolved spat.  This “ritual” will help keep you connected to one another.   

3.     Talk that talk!  Once you’ve coupled up, conversation usually revolves around work, family, pets, etc.—very stimulating, huh? Reignite your passion by talking about goals, dreams and desires—the way you both did in the beginning.  “Talking is one of the all-time great stimulants of desire.  It really is an aphrodisiac,” according to author and therapist Sharon Gilchrest O’Neill.  And, I highly recommend doin’ that “nastee” (dirty, provocative) talk—and I know you know what I’m talkin’ about—to light your fuses and rev up your motors! 

4.     Send flirty texts, leave scandalous voice mails.   It could be as simple as sending your man flirty texts or leaving scandalous voice mails throughout the day.  You see, the point is to surprise one another each and every day.  Be creative…be nastee! 

5.     Do a quickie!  When work and other obligations take over your life, there’s not much time for lovemaking.  Spontaneous sex reminds couples that they’re more than roommates.   Yo—it’s not as good as the full treatment, but it’ll hold ya over.    

     So there you have it!  Now, get to work and recapture The Hawtness! (Craig and Kain did—and it’s W-O-R-K-I-N-G!) 

     To Note:  the striking image accompanying this article is courtesy of Houston historian and playwright Trent Kelly’s collection of rare vintage photographs of black male couples from the past 150 years entitled “Hidden in the Open: A Photographic Essay of Afro American Male Couples.”

Intergenerational Dating- 2 guys kissing. one older than the younger athelete

The “Sugah Daddy’s” Playbook (or Sumthin’ Like Dat)

Have you thought about—or actually are—dating out of your age group? 

     Well, the term for it is intergenerational dating.  Generally, it’s at least a 10-year difference between couples.

     Keep in mind that intergenerational dating and relationships have always existed.  However, according to “Are Intergenerational Gay Couples a New Trend in Dating,” a Bilerico.com article from last year, these relationships “…do seem to be more common these days.  One reason might be the shift towards more conservative, traditional views of couplehood.  Now that we can get married in so many states, now that we can adopt children, now that we can bear children on our own, gay males are without question settling into more stable ways of dating, expressing our love, and getting into relationships.”

     The media outlet added, “There is a great hunger on the part of many gay men to be in stable, loving relationships and this just might be a driving force behind the possible rise in intergenerational couples.”

     As Star Trek’s Mr. Spock would say, I found Queerty.com’s recent article on this subject “fascinating.”  And in spots, amusing!  The piece is entitled, “Six Pro Tips for Being the Best Daddy for Your Boy.”

     Before I share these “pointers” with y’all, allow me to provide some commentary.

     Firstly, I found the tone and feel of these tips somewhat quaint, “hokey,” and (out)dated.  For example, I take umbrage to the use of the word “boy.”  Younger partner/guy/man is more appropriate. 

     As well, too much subservience and neediness are ascribed to the younger partner for my taste.  For instance, I know a few intergenerational couples in which the younger man is the more emotionally evolved/secure.  The more dominant.  The more financially secure. 

     In conclusion, I find some of the advice on the “questionable tip”–and not as relevant as it could and should be.  But you be the judge.

     Now, here are those tips on “being the best daddy for your boy”—right outta Queerty’s mouth!  Listen:  if you don’t like the info, don’t shoot me. (LOL!)  I’m simply the messenger.  However, do feel free to give Yours Truly feedback.

     (To Note:  the accompanying photo is of actor-screenwriter Gerald McCullouch and college B-Baller Derrick Gordon—an openly gay intergenerational.)


  1. Let him trust you.  Be real.  Show your boy that you’re a steady, stable rock that he can count on.  That’s what young guys love about older men, after all.  Sometimes, that requires patience, since guys in their 20s are puppyish bundles of energy.  If he doesn’t call you back right away, don’t take it personally—he’s still learning how to be a man.  Don’t nag, don’t fly off the handle.  Instead, put yourself in his shoes, and remember how flakey you were when you were a kid.  Be an even-keeled presence that he can look up to.  And teach him how to be a better man by example.
  2. You don’t own him. A daddy is different from a dom.  Your boy may be young and silly, but that doesn’t mean you should start running his life.  At the start of the relationship, talk openly about just how much you want to be calling the shots.  Ask him how much he’s willing to defer to you.
  3. Laugh at your differences. No matter what, he’s going to make you feel old sometimes.  So you have a choice:  either feel sad about it, or laugh about it.  Yeah, maybe he doesn’t know who Bette Davis is, and maybe he doesn’t understand why you have a telephone attached to the wall of your house with a wire.  But who cares?  If he’s truly interested in you, it’s because your life is different from his life.  (I doubled “ovah” in laughter reading this!)
  4. Find common ground. You may have your differences, but now and then you’ll be surprised to discover that the two of you actually see eye-to-eye on something.  Look for places where your hobbies and interests overlap, whether it’s knitting or hiking or watching The Muppet Show.  The stuff that makes relationships strong—no matter what your ages are—are when you both find something that you like to do together.
  5. Trust him. There’s always a risk that he’s a gold digger, just after you for your cash or stability.  So keep an eye out for those boys on social networks, but when you feel a real rapport, give him the benefit of the doubt.  Chances are, if you get along well, he’s interested in the real you.  If you think your boy is just in it for the cash, ask him if he’d mind paying for lunch one day.  If he looks aghast, something might be up.
  6. Make mistakes. Even though gay men are great at intergenerational relationships, there are some issues that we still haven’t quite figured out.  Among them: health issues.  It’s hard for young gays to understand the medical problems that older gays face, whether it’s HIV or just simple arthritis.  Accept that some issues are going to challenge you as a couple, and resolve to be there for each other and forgive when someone makes a misstep.