Tag Archives: romance

Just Dump His/Her A**!, Part One

     As you’re aware, I wear many hats:  Journalist (Huffington Post, Baltimore Gay Life, Wyattevans.com, Bilerico) , Author (“Nothing Can Tear Us Apart” series of novels), Talk Show Host (“The Wyatt O’Brian Evans Show”), Advocate/Motivational Speaker (LGBTQ Depression, Racism, Intimate Partner Violence/ Abuse), Voice-Over Instructor/Talent, Entertainer, and Lifestyle PersonalitySo many “hats,” not enough heads…LOL!

     As a Lifestyle Personality, I’ve researched and written extensively on a number of diverse topics, including: how to get what you really want and deserve out of life, and romance and relationships.  And currently, as a Lifestyle Personality, I’m completing a prestigious project for an iconic and storied publication!  Details upcoming.

    In this regard, I’m publishing my latest series on romance and relationships, an exclusive for Wyattevans.com.  It’s a Two-Partner entitled, “Just Dump His/Her A**!” 

     This series explores and explains the reasons why—no matter how hard you try— you just can’t seem to “kick to the curb” that loser with whom you’re involved!  In Part One, I’m clueing you in on the WHY

     Writer Norine Dworkin-McDaniel cleverly provides her six reasons–which I wholeheartedly endorse.  Like me, she digs deep inside the psyche, to uncover why we really do what we do.  Although Dworkin-McDaniel wrote her article with heterosexual females expressly in mind, it’s totally applicable to and strongly resonates with the LGBTQ audience.

     So my friends, fasten your seatbelts!  Let’s get some TRUTH. 

  1. My family made me do it. Dworkin-McDaniel writes, “Blaming your issues on Mom, Dad, your siblings or the dog can get a little tired. But persistently picking Mr. Wrong (or Ms. Wright) does have a lot to do with your upbringing, therapists say.”  She cites life/relationship coach Lauren Mackler, author of “Solemate:  Master the Art of Aloneness and Transform Your Life,” who states, “’What happens in the family shapes how we see ourselves in the world, our core beliefs and our behaviors’.”
  1. I won’t find anyone better. Dworkin-McDaniel writes, “So he’s (she’s) boorish and overly critical.  Breaks dates.  Doesn’t call.  Plays head games.  Forgets your birthday.  But he’s (she’s) all yours.  Would it be any different with anyone else?”  Then she adds, “Blame this one, too, on a dysfunctional family dynamic.”  She cites clinical psychotherapist Pat Pearson, author of “Stop Self-Sabotage,” who states, “’If we don’t believe we deserve to have a good relationship, we settle for less than what we could have or truly want.  We compromise on our own integrity’.”
  1. I don’t want to be alone. “Then there’s the fear that you’ll end up a lonely spinster (or bachelor), so you hang on longer than you should out of a misguided sense of self-preservation,” writes Dworkin-McDaniel.  “’Fear of being alone is a huge factor that keeps people in bad relationships’,” states life/relationship coach Mackler.  “’The underlying message is that you’re not able to take care of yourself’.”
  1. He’ll change. That ain’t happenin.’  According to Dworkin-McDaniel.  “Don’t bet the farm on him (her) changing in any substantial way.  Improving hair and wardrobe is about the best you can do.  But serious character flaws?  Figure on living with ‘em…or leaving him (her).”  To emphasize this, she sites clinical psychologist Dennis F. Sugrue, Ph.D, who states, “’What you see is what you’re going to get.  If there is change, consider that to be a gift from heaven’.”  But then Sugrue adds, “’But don’t count on it’.”
  1. He needs me. “If ever there was a big enough ball to keep you chained to a loser, it’s this one.   We tell ourselves we’re indispensable. Or maybe you do have legitimate worries that if you split, he’d (she’d) gamble, drink, slide into depression or kill himself,” Dworkin-McDaniel writes.   “But what you call ‘love,’ therapists label as ‘co-dependency,’ ‘enabling’ or ‘emotional extortion’.”  To underline this, she cites Michele Sugg, a Connecticut certified sex therapist who states, “’It can be tough to move past the guilt and believe that he’ll (she’ll) make it, that you’re not his only lifeline’.”
  1. The sex is phenomenal!  Dworkin-McDaniel writes, “That hormonal surge of oxytocin that courses through your brain when you have mind-blowing sex is designed to bond you to your partner.  It’s emotional super-glue.  But this neurochemistry can backfire when we bond with the wrong guy (or girl).  To reinforce this point, she cites psychologist/certified sex therapist Stephanie Buehler, Psy.D of the Buehler Institute for sex therapy in Irvine, California, who states, “’Just because it was the best sex you ever had doesn’t mean that this is the best partner for you.”

     Quite enlightening, eh?  Well, get ready for Part Two of “Just Dump His/Her A**!”  This installment will answer the frustrating and burning question:  “Should I Stay—or Go?”



They Don’t Wanna Cruise Your Type

Greetings! First, let me say that I’m so proud and honored by the overwhelmingly positive response I have received regarding my novel, NOTHING CAN TEAR US APART–UNCENSORED! I’m truly blessed.

One of the pivotal reasons I wrote the novel was to demonstrate that there are actually Black and Latino gay men out there who are in loving, monogamous relationships. Unfortunately, according to the Media, one is hard-pressed to find that.

Some time ago, I wrote an award-winning, popular series on racism within the LGBT community for QBLISS entitled, The Cancer That Slowly Consumes Our Very Souls: Racism. The following is an excerpt from that influential series. It details how race influences and plays into the formation of gay identities. This has a deep, profound, and telling impact on who we choose to date, and have sex and partner with–and who does the same regarding us.

So, without further adieu…..


They Don’t Want to Cruise Your Type

In Part Four of The Cancer that Consumes Our Very Souls: Racism, I referenced the paper “They Don’t Want to Cruise Your Type: Gay Men of Color and the Racial Politics of Exclusion,” written by Chong-suk Han and published in the January 2007 edition of Social Identities. Exceptionally well-researched and written, and theoretically sophisticated as well, his treatise effectively and overwhelmingly demonstrates how white supremacy within the GLBTI community marginalizes and negatively impacts its minority populations. Han states, “In this paper, I examine the forms of racism that are found in gay communities and show how race is implicated in the construction of gay identities. Particularly, I focus on subtle forms and blatant forms of racism that negate the existence of gay men of color and how racism affects the way we see gay men.”

A full-time lecturer in sociology at Temple University, Dr. Han also is a researcher, whose work in particular points to how sexual and racial stereotyping and internalization combine to put gay Asian Pacific men at greater risk of HIV infection. He has been published widely in such theoretical social science journals as Critical Sociology, Sexuality and Culture, and Social Identities, and in health research/social work periodicals including AIDS Education and Prevention, Health and Social Work, and the Journal of Transcultural Nursing.

In order to retain the robust flavor and full potency of Dr. Han’s “They Don’t Want to Cruise Your Type: Gay Men of Color and the Racial Politics of Exclusion”–which I firmly believe is an eye-opening, landmark work–I will present material from it mostly word for word. So, without further adieu…

In his introduction, Han states, “Despite the civil rights dialogue used by the gay community, many ‘gay’ organizations and members of the ‘gay’ community continue to exclude men of color from leadership positions and ‘gay’ establishments, thus continuing to add to the notion that ‘gay’ equals ‘white.’ Likewise, gay men of color experience homophobia within their racial and ethnic communities.”

He speaks about a “forum on race” which he attended. “As the audible levels of conversations begin to wane, organizers urge the audience of some 200 men, and a handful of women, to take their seats so we can all begin. Within minutes, a representative of the host agency lays out the ground rules of discussion—most noticeably that we will not, given the limited time, try to define racism while quickly offering that, ‘everyone is capable of racism,’ a definition than many men of color in the audience would, if given the chance, vehemently dispute.

Perhaps it wouldn’t have been such an issue if members of the community who were invited to help plan the forum hadn’t spent weeks arguing for the need to discuss racism in the gay community, rather than focus solely on race. Or perhaps it wouldn’t have been such a slight if they were asked to provide an alternative definition of racism, particularly who is able, within the larger social structure, to practice it rather than being left with only one definition of it. In fact, the title ‘Race Forum’ was specifically chosen, against the suggestions offered by members of the community, so that the focus could be on ‘race’ rather than the trickier topic of ‘racism.’”

Han continues, “’It’s like they didn’t hear a thing,’ a member of the ‘community’ told me immediately after the announcement. ‘Why did we go to the meetings? It’s like we weren’t even there. We might as well be invisible.’ Though flabbergasted, he also told me that ‘It’s no surprise.’ It seems that for this member of the community, speaking up and being ignored has come to be a common occurrence. After all, being a gay man of color is to experience the unnerving feeling of being invited to a potluck while being told not to bring anything since nobody would be interested in what you bring, and then not being offered any food since you didn’t bring anything anyway.”

Next, the sociologist/researcher expands the discussion by asserting, “gay America has given a whole new meaning to the term ‘whitewash.’” Han writes, “Whiteness in the gay community is everywhere, from what we see, what we experience, and more importantly, what we desire. The power of whiteness, of course, derives from appearing to be nothing in particular. That is, whiteness is powerful precisely because it is everywhere but nowhere in particular. When we see whiteness, we process it as if it doesn’t exist or that its existence is simply natural. We don’t see it precisely because we see it constantly. It blends into the background and then becomes erased from scrutiny.

And this whiteness is imposed from both outside and inside of the gay community. According to Allan Berube, the gay community is overwhelmingly portrayed in the heterosexual mind as being ‘white and well-to-do.’ Media images now popular in television and film such as Will and Grace, My Best Friend’s Wedding, In and Out, Queer as Folks, Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, etc., promote a monolithic image of the gay community as being overwhelmingly upper-middle class –if not simply rich—and white.”

Han explains, “While mass media will often use stereotypes to sell minority characters to majority audiences, the gay media are no less to blame for the promotion of the ‘gay equals white’ misconception. Even the most perfunctory glance through gay publications exposes the paucity of non-white images. It’s almost as if no gay men of color exist outside of fantasy cruises to Jamaica, Puerto Rico, of the ‘Orient.’

And even then, they exist only to fulfill the sexual fantasies of gay white men. ‘Exotic’ vacations to far away places are marketed to rich white men, and poor colored bodies are only another consumable product easily purchased with western dollars. As such, gay men of color, whether found within western borders or conveniently waiting for white arrival in the far corners of the globe, are nothing more than commodities for consumption.”