Anyone can become a victim of domestic violence and abuse, regardless of size, strength, age, gender, race/ethnicity, station in life, or sexual orientation. In the LGBTQ+ community, domestic violence/abuse is referred to as Intimate Partner Violence/Abuse (IPV/A).
The National Coalition of Anti-Violence Programs defines IPV/A as “a pattern of behaviors utilized by one partner (the abuser or batterer) to exert and maintain control, through fear and intimidation, over another person (the survivor or victim) where there exists an intimate, loving and dependent relationship.” It is estimated that each year, between 50,000-100,000 lesbians (or more) and as many as 500,000 (or more) gay men are battered. About one in four LGBTQ+ relationships/partnerships are abusive in some way.
“Kyle” is an IPV/A survivor. Fortunately, the thirty-year-old professional who made his “Great Escape” a couple of years ago agreed to a short interview on the condition that I use a pseudonym. He kept our sit-down brief because of the stigma that continues to grip him.
The power and sway of stigma can keep Intimate Partner Violence and Abuse (IPV/A) lurking in the shadows and buried deep in the closet, resulting in the underreporting of this demoralizing and potentially life-threatening cycle of abuse. Think of stigma as an albatross wrapped around your neck, choking you to death.
Kyle says that “Derrick,” his thirty-two-year-old ex-partner, horrifically abused him for nearly two years.
Wyatt: Kyle, thanks for agreeing to tell your important story. When and how did you meet Derrick?
Kyle: (His eyes lit up.) It was at a T-Mobile store in Laurel (Maryland). Our eyes locked, and the chemistry was instantaneous!
Kyle: He initiated a conversation, and we walked outta the store together. He took my number and said he’d call. (Pause.) I couldn’t wait! I was already so damned into him.
Wyatt: Kyle, precisely what was the attraction?
Kyle: Derrick was easy-going, self-assured, and nurturing. Derrick was handsome, muscled, and ripped; so full of swag! He was that sexy af zaddy I was looking for. Shit! He made me wet just thinking about him.
Kyle: And Wyatt, I was beyond flattered! I was very needy.
Wyatt: When did he call?
Kyle: It was late that night, and we talked for hours! Derrick wanted to see me the following evening at my apartment. Since he was insistent, I agreed. Besides, I wanted him. No; hungered for him!
Wyatt: And that evening?
Kyle: We ended up in bed immediately! And the sex was fuckin’ mind-blowing! We became a couple right after that. In hindsight, I see him reeling me in like a fish on a hook.
Wyatt: So Kyle, how long did the “honeymoon” last?
Kyle: (His voice soared a few octaves, enveloped by a nervous laugh.) Not very long. Derrick became possessive—constantly calling to check up on me. Wanting me with him practically 24/7! Isolating me. He was such an overwhelming presence.
Kyle: It pains me to admit this, but with my self-esteem in the toilet, I…liked it.
Kyle: At first, anyway.
Kyle: I believed his behavior was “love.” I kept telling myself, “I’m so lucky to have him!” And the sex became a drug.
Wyatt: Things became even more extreme, correct?
Kyle: Absolutely! The mind control began. Derrick told me how to think, act, and dress. And my biggest mistake was agreeing to let him move in with me.
Kyle: (He suddenly became solemn.) The verbal—racial crap, etc.—started soon after.
Wyatt: And the physical?
(Kyle took a deep breath.)
Kyle: A few weeks after moving in, he accused me of cheating, which was ridiculous! Derrick was all up in my face, shouting. I was petrified!
(A very pregnant pause.)
Kyle: Then, he decked me. Hard! I fell to the floor.
(Kyle began to sob. I tell him to take his time.)
Kyle: I was totally out of it. Then, Derrick snatched me up by the collar, screaming, “You nasty little whore! Wake tha fuck up! We ain’t done yet!”
Kyle: Next, he dragged me to the bathroom. To the toilet! And then he…”
Wyatt: And then he what, Kyle? (Sobbing heavily, he rocked back and forth. He was in flashback mode.)
Kyle: He shoved my head into the toilet! Over and over! (Pause.) Water was all up my nose. I gasped for air. I felt like I’d pass out.
(Long pause.)
Kyle: Actually, I just wanted to go to sleep and not wake up. (He stated that the verbal and physical abuse escalated and that Derrick forced him into drugs and group sex. Fortunately, another couple helped him make his “Great Escape.” )
Wyatt: Kyle, may I ask why you stayed as long as you did?
Kyle: I honestly believed he would maim or kill me! And I didn’t have one ounce of self-worth.
Wyatt: I see.
Kyle: And not to mention the stigma.
Kyle got a job transfer to the other side of the country. He’s continuing counseling.
And Derrick? Well, Y’all, he’s doin’ jail time! Like, ya know, in the slammer. Affectionately known as “The Crowbar Hotel.”
I’ve made it my ongoing–and fervent–mission to continue to shine a bright light on IPV/A, a hellish and potentially life-threatening cycle of dysfunctional behavior.
Always remember: the most potent weapon the abuser has in their arsenal is…SILENCE!
And remember this: It ain’t (just) the way that he/she loves you.
If you or someone you know is experiencing IPV/A, call The National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233); the Gay Men’s Domestic Violence Project Hotline (1-800-832-1901); the Trans Lifeline Hotline (U.S., 877-565-8860. Canada, 877-330-6366).
I have a special IPV/A section at Wyattevans.com that includes resources to assist victims. Check it out.
The time is NOW to break the cycle!
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